the go fund mes never end

Most of my friends are drug addicts and alcoholics, 
They kill them selves over and over again 
They say waking up every day is their worst nightmare 
But they wake up anyway 
I’ve never seen anyone more happy or alive then them 
They all have pretty pictures of them selves up on their Instagram but talk about how much they want to die on their finstas 
They have the best laughs and the warmest smiles 
I see myself in them 
They probably see themselves in me 
We see ourselves in each other as a way to make us whole 
Anis father killed him self a couple months back 
cancer tucked jesses mom into bed at night then forgot to wake her up  
Lillie’s mom died when she was little and she was left with 
her father who used to touch her 
I still don’t know the whole story 
Xavis dad beats her  
And we all know someone who’s killed them self or a friend who died 
I saw how Dina killed herself when I was 13 
I’ve been playing hide and seek with my emotions ever since 
The blood didn’t splatter 
And there was no Big Bang as the train split through her neck 
At that point you couldn’t tell what was troat and what was neck everything was inside out 
Just like this life that I’m living 
The memory’s I have are made out of nightmares 
I wish they were nightmares 
I don’t want it to be real  
I talk about my traumas on my finsta account hope to turn these memories into stories 
We all sit around the pit fire that is the internet and exchange ghost stories of our past  
Hope to turn these please for help into prayers and then into miricals 
I’ve been linking too many go fundmes to my instagram account 
All the money in the world and there still isn’t enough to pay the funeral costs 
I’ve been reposting pictures of missing children who wandered off to the moon and never came back 
I hope they 
Come back 
And if not 
I hope they land somewhere amongst the stars 
We drink and drink and drink like coke and rum came from the fountain of youth 
We don’t feel real 
When the world is dancing beneath your feet and your head is too fucked up to to notice the difference between dirt and the sky anything feels real 
People say they get fucked up to escape reality but we lost reality’s definition long ago 
We know nothing about it 
Everything seems like reality now even when it isn’t 
Even when I’m disassociated from life 
It doesn’t feel like the world isn’t there it feels like I’m not there like 
Like I’m the one who’s not real 
It’s normal for me to not feel real 
That place in limbo is almost like my second home 
I was scrolling through my twitter feed the other day and every other post is 
A political hoax or a missing kid 
Sometimes I want to believe the government is some giant allusion made to scare us like the boogie man 
Sometimes I wanna believe all those kids ran away and came back home after a day or too 
But go fund mes never end 
And we just keep adding up the funeral costs 
We share our grief and condolences in the comments section and virtually tell the world things will get better 
But at the end of the day 
I go home to empty bottles of wine and empty some more just to pass the time 
I go home and wonder if I’m really alive 
I’m lying in my bed wondering if maybe I just really wanna die 
My phone goes off again 
It’s a twitter post notification from god 
He said “@alex You’re already dead” 
Sent from my iPhone

By Alex Rafaelov

This poem is a response to hardtruth #74:

#74, stay open to contradictions and power #offline

See Alex Juhasz respond in Podcast form to hardtruth #74:

"Black Lives Matter: Stay Open to Contradictions and Power #offline"

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