Like when you have a crush
You know, when they are standing right in front of you
Making you laugh
Telling you stories
And you just feel that inexplicable pull that makes you want to just grab their face and yell
“HEY YOU! I LIKE YOU!”
That’s how it felt with Riley.
It was one of those things
Where every fiber of your being just wants to be big and loud
And change the font type from
Georgia
To a bold Rock Salt
So that the scope of your feelings can be conveyed.
But then again.
It kind of felt like when you really really like someone.
Like when they’re standing there, in front of you
Making you smile softly
Giving you little pieces of their personality in a package shaped like conversation
And you just want to take their hand and whisper “Hey, I really like you.”
That’s how it felt with Riley.
It was one of those things
Where every tiny infinity in your stupid heart just wants things to be small and slow
And change the font from
Georgia
To an italicized Reenie Beanie
So that the depth of your feelings can be conveyed.
But then also.
It kind of felt like when you really hate someone.
Like when they are standing there in front of you
Making your life so hard
Forcing you to choose between your insides, where your heart is going crazy, and your
outsides, where people are mean and feelings don’t matter
And you just feel that hot, sharp feeling like melted wax down your throat that just makes
you want to put your curled up fist in their face and hiss “Stop making me like you, you
jackass!”
That’s how it felt with Riley.
It was one of those things
Where your quickly closing throat
And your rapidly reddening cheeks
Just want everything to be sharp and cutting
And change the font from
Georgia
To an underlined Oswald
So that the force of your feelings can be conveyed.
But you have to consider.
It also kind of feels like when you fear for your life.
Like when you tell Riley how you feel
And the scope, the depth, and the force are revealed, and suddenly everything changes.
And then someone laughs.
And then someone growls “What, are you some kind of dyke?”
And then someone else says “Ooooh, watch out, she’ll give you AIDS.”
And then someone grabs you by the arm, so hard that your heart leaps to your throat in a
desperate bid to escape what it knows is coming.
And then Riley looks at you with fear and confusion, and you can tell that her scope and
depth and force are all focused on Jake from bio, and not you, from the locker room.
It’s one of those things where
The new bruises on your arm
The small cut on your lip
And the infinite wounds on your heart
Want everything to stop, so, so bad.
You just want everything to stop.
To change the font from
Georgia
To Control A, Backspace
And just erase everything.
To change you from this monstrosity, to someone, something, normal.
Because even after everything, even after the bruises and the cuts and the infinite wounds.
It still kind of feels like when you have a crush on someone.
KEEGAN BEVIS is a student at UAA through the Alaska Middle College School. They do competitive writing and speaking as a debater, and she is pursuing a career as a therapist for adolescents.