In Remembrance of a Happy Time
But a young man only thinks of the things that are happening in front of him. At least in my case, I never really thought about what I liked to do or what my goals actually were. I was running fast through childhood, but what was I running toward?
Seemingly, nothing. To this day, I have no ambition towards anything in particular. I am still finding my true calling, which is more difficult than I imagined it would be. Back in high school, I devoted myself to football, basketball, and volleyball, always thinking about how to better myself in the games. I worked hard, hurting and bleeding for my better self, my team, and my classmates. That was fulfilling, but now that is gone. I have to find a new goal to pursue and it takes some time to find my purpose in this world.
While I search for a purpose, I look for people who can provide support and a listening ear. There are 7.5 billion people on this planet. Finding the right people to call to confide in and tell them your problems, and even asking to carry some of them is hard. I battle with depression and anxiety. There is a whole world inside my brain, and that scares me. I can come up with stories and overthink; thoughts of different scenarios come to mind that I cannot always control. So, finding people that I can truly trust will always be hard for me. To bear your soul and be vulnerable to others takes courage. People in this age often view vulnerability as weakness. It feels like they judge me for being not up to their standards, for struggling or having little direction. However, I try to remember that only God can judge us.
I never thought about what adulthood would be like. There have been positive life-changing moments, like in the case of my two sons’ birth. But then, there have also been extreme difficulties and hardships. I look forward to a day when I struggle less and feel more internally at peace.
AARON DEAN RANDY PAUYUURAQ GUNDERSON is a sophomore at Prince William Sound College, he finished his OEC in Millwright and is taking Marine Technology OEC currently. He is Inupiaq and is originally from the North Slope villages of Atqasuk and Wainwright.