John Szwed poses that if we desire to understand what the role and importance of literacy is to a specific group, we need to view the use of literacy through five different elements: text, context, function, participants, and motivation. Lindquist and Seitz explain that using this methodology of the five elements can assist us “suspend our judgement of others’ literacy practices…[and] help prevent us from applying our own cultural assumptions about literacy” (Lindquist 73). Every group of people, however they are united, has their own set of literacy and literacy practices. This comes in the form of specialized language, common texts, and ways of writing. People outside the group often are limited in understanding the inner workings of that group. By examining the Facebook miscarriage support group named Loved Baby through the lens of Szwed’s five elements of literacy, we can bridge the understanding gap and learn how to provide the support that is desperately needed by this marginalized group of women. 

Szwed’s elements of literacy each have a separate function as research methodology, but each play a crucial part in understanding how a group uses literacy. Text is typically writing that people read, discuss, and make decisions about. Lindquist and Seitz suggest that when analyzing a group’s literacy to ask the question, “What is it that people read, write, and then talk about.” Understanding how people are relating to texts in a specific culture starts to paint the full picture of their literacy. Context continues to help frame that picture of literacy in group by approaching literacy from the framework of “when, where, and under what circumstances,” literacy takes place. Looking at the location or time of day that literacy happens will often influence what and how participants read and write. Lindquist and Seitz also suggest looking closer at any influence of social or historical practices that may influence meaning for the group. Function acts as the moral compass of the five elements. Analyzing literacy practices from the element of function: observing group dynamics, social structures, and what role an individual plays in the large group structure will provide patterns that illustrate the group’s values and assumptions around literacy. Understanding what practices make a participant an “insider” will help distinguish what functions of literacy are important to the larger group. The participants elements is most likely the easiest of the elements to determine but looking closer at the relationships and roles each participant plays will add another level of understanding of the group dynamics. Questions like “what role do they assume or perform,” or “what are the relationships between these participants,” will allow a deeper dive into the dynamics of the participants. Additional elements like gender differences and power dynamics also provide a level of insight. Motivation is the culmination of the other four elements. After thoroughly analyzing text, context, function, and participants applying that understanding to uncover “what motivates these people to participate in these literacy practices or to resist them…” and what meanings members attribute to the same practices. Motivation can vary from participant to participant, so it is extremely important to understand both the individual motivation as well as a wholistic view of how motivation functions within the group (Lindquist 74-78). 

The private Facebook group called Loved Baby is a community of women, who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, supporting each other. The Mayo Clinic states that anywhere from 10% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage (Miscarriage). The number is most likely higher as many women are unaware of pregnancy when it ends. I joined this group at the beginning of 2019 when I experienced my first of two miscarriages. Like the women I interviewed expressed, this group has been a source of comfort and encouragement during difficult days. During my observations I examined posts and comments within the group as members interacted with each other. Four women shared their stories with me about their own miscarriage journey as well as how the group has played a part in their lives. One of the biggest recurring themes throughout posts and interviews has been regarding the cultural norm of ignoring miscarriage as a topic. It is so often overlooked, even though it affects more women than breast cancer. According to BreastCancer.org about one in eight women will develop breast cancer in their lifetime; half the amount that will experience a miscarriage (U.S. Breast Cancer Statistics). Each of the women I interviewed expressed the burden of not feeling like they could share their grief with those around them, sometimes even their closest family and friends. They all voiced that there should not be this feeling of isolation and shame and that they relied on this group to connect with likeminded people in order to share their stories and have their voices heard. In order to find women to interview I created a post that I was looking for assistance with a project and asked if anyone would feel comfortable sharing their experiences. Thirty seven women replied. All expressed that the subject needed to be talked about and they wanted to be a part of this difficult conversation. 

There are many examples of text in the group Loved Baby that include pictures with captions, word-only posts, comments, and occasionally polls. Some participants post videos or songs as well. Pictures are typically of encouraging or inspirational quotes or photos taken of objects or places like churches or products that members find in stores. Less often they are photos of the members themselves, their family, or negative quotes. Most word-only posts are personal stories of loss or grief and even encouraging stories of healing. Occasionally there will be posts of new pregnancies and prayer requests. Comments are in response to both picture and word-only posts and are typically filled with encouragement, advice, and empathy as many women are struggling with the same matters.  The texts that get the most engagement are personal stories of loss or struggles that the mother is going through. Other women in the group flood those posts with comments of reassurance that they are not alone, acknowledgment of the difficulty of this situation, and an attempt to comfort by assuring the mother that their baby is not forgotten (See Appendixes A-E). Text is an easily defined element and in an online forum a prevalent one. The texts in this group serve a number of purposes but all are used to build connections. 

Context is more difficult to pinpoint for a group that is online only as there are participants from around the globe. Asking the question “under what circumstances women are posting” provides the most insight. During our interview, Elizabeth stated that she sought to comment on posts that asked questions or that are longer than average. She said that those women are typically looking for advice or need support and because she is older, she seeks opportunities to encourage those women (See Appendix F). Throughout each observation it becomes clear the context of when women are posting is when they are struggling and need extra encouragement. Thanksgiving Day was a particularly hard day for several participants. Many asked for prayers as they were struggling with being without their child on a significant holiday (See Appendix E). The majority of the posts that received the most engagements (comments and reactions) were regarding women who were currently experiencing a loss or medical condition with a pregnancy. They reached out to the group for consolation and support during a very difficult time and received a tremendous response of kindness and concern (See Appendices B and C). The context in which each woman interacts differs as they are creating their own post, but when a fellow member is in need, that context is overwhelmingly one of support and care. 

In order to understand the function of a group, it is important to learn what makes someone an “insider” or what expectations are placed on members of the group. Each interview expressed certain terms or understandings that people in the group were supposed to follow. Utilizing terms like “trigger warning” (a warning placed where there might be a topic, photo, or mention of something difficult that would possibly trigger an emotional reaction) was something Elizabeth, Beth, and Andy all emphasized as extremely important (See Appendices F, H, and I). This allows women who were feeling more vulnerable to skip over the post or read with caution. It is easy to spot someone new to the group if they post a sensitive topic without using that disclaimer (See Appendix A and E). Another value that shows in many observations as well as the interviews is the acknowledgment of everyone’s journeys (their story or experiences) and how they differ. In a few of my observations, phrases such as “wherever you are…” and “feel however you feel…” express solidarity and acknowledge that everyone processes experiences differently (See Appendix E). They also give readers comfort by showing that they are not expected to act or feel a certain way based on someone else’s idea or timeline. In the section About the Group, one of the leaders expressed that this group was meant to function as a safe and non-judgmental space to talk, vent, grieve, and ask questions (See Appendix A). One post poignantly summarizes many of the member’s feelings of being a part of this group: “The day when it all happened I joined a club. Though involuntarily and unconsciously, I got a full membership in the club of mothers with empty arms, and a broken, grieving heart” (See Appendix C). This group’s function is to provide a space for those in the club to be however they need to be and feel however they need to feel. 

There are a few different types of participants within the Loved Baby Facebook group. The administrators or moderators are the members that run the group by facilitating discussions, ensuring that group rules are followed, and encouraging other members. Occasionally you will see an anonymous post that a member sent to a moderator to post for feedback. There are two other types of participants, although they are technically under the same category of member. The posting member is more involved than the non-posting member. Typically, the posting member creates their own posts but mostly they are heavily involved in commenting and encouraging on other member’s stories. The non-posting member is a casual observer that posts rarely if at all. There are 3,210 members and fifteen are administrators/moderators (See Appendix A). Three of the four ladies I interviewed stated that a friend or acquaintance introduced them to the group when they suffered their own miscarriage, just as I was invited by a friend after mine (See Appendixes F, H, and I). In addition to how each woman joined the group, another interesting observation through interviews and reviewing posts is the sense of comradery that members have with each other. In discussing the importance of this group in each interviewee’s life, in their own words each said that knowing that they were not alone and that they had a support system that had gone through the same hard thing is invaluable (See Appendices F, H, and I). Elizabeth stated that because the group has so many participants from around the world, “someone is always awake and always there for you. It is hard to find a group of in-person friends that is there so soon for you” (See Appendix F). While the demographic of the group varies, the common denominator of loss is what unifies the participants as a family. 

As you can see in all four of the other concepts, the motivation for women to join this group is multifaceted. The simple answer is that women who have experienced a miscarriage or infant loss need support. Karie stated in her interview that it was incredibly helpful to know that she wasn’t alone despite different experiences (Appendix G). Beth stated that it was important for us to know that even though our stories and circumstances may be different, everyone in the group understands how each other is feeling. She went on to say, “The more we talk about it the less it is a stigma” (Appendix H). Andy echoed the other two sentiments by saying that it is important to know that you are not alone as you walk through this trauma (Appendix I). Elizabeth made the observation that even though they aren’t “real” friends, you don’t have to be physically with someone to give or receive support (Appendix F). Every one of these women stated in different ways that the motivation for being in this group is understanding. In each of the posts and interviews this same theme comes out: each person needs this group for a similar but profoundly personal reason. They are looking for someone who understands what they are going through, who gets why some days are harder than others, and for someone to listen when those days become unbearable. Terms like isolating and alone came up frequently as women describe how their families and close friends didn’t know how to relate to them. If you were to ask every single woman in that group why they were a part of it, each would say something regarding having a community that understands. That motivation is a powerful unifier and it is why over three thousand women from across the globe, all with different stories join together in order to support each other. 

Each of the four women that I interviewed expressed dismay that miscarriage seems like a taboo topic. They, like myself, never truly grasped how common and devastating of an experience it is to lose a child longed for. What they all desire is to bring awareness to the issue. Each one of the women, as I thanked them for talking to me, said that they just wanted to help. The more we talk about it, the less taboo it becomes. Looking at just one of the elements of literacy would provide some insight into this group and how they interact. However, using Szwed’s five elements of literacy in order to analyze all aspects, truly brings together a picture of how this group functions as a safe and encouraging space for women who need support and provides a better understanding to those lucky enough to not be in the group. Only by setting aside biases and judgements and viewing this group from a fresh perspective can we truly bring effective awareness to the issue and end the stigma.

Works Cited

Lindquist, Julie, and David Seitz. The Elements of Literacy. New York, Longman, 2008.

Miscarriage: Symptoms & Causes, Mayo Clinic, 16 July 2019,  www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriag e/symptoms-causes/syc-20354298.

U.S. Breast Cancer Statistics, BreastCancer.org, 13 Feb. 2019, www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/understand_bc/statistics.

Appendix

Appendix A – First Observation

About the group: “Welcome to Loved Baby. We are a Christian community where you can talk, vent, share experiences, grieve, receive & give encouragement, and ask questions to other women about miscarriage, stillbirth, & all forms of pregnancy loss. We love you and support you.

This is a safe, non-judgmental, peaceful place for support and understanding. We think of it as a table, where you can sit with a tribe of women who are believers and also have experienced pregnancy loss. It's an extension of the book Loved Baby: 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve & Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss. 

The 2018 leader of this group is Lynda Salisbury. The administrators/moderators are [lists names]. We also have a Pregnancy After Loss group. I wanted to add mention to our PAL group that is administered by [lists names]. You are welcome to join this group if you need this type of unique support.”

Private group. 

Cover photo: 3 photos – one of roses and a tea pot, one of a woman drinking tea, one of the book called “Loved Baby” which this support group was founded from.

Announcements: from the author of the book Loved Baby: Dear Mama,

Welcome to Loved Baby. We are so very sorry for the loss of your precious child. This is a tribe of Christian women who support and encourage one another. Here you can talk, share experiences, vent, grieve, receive and give encouragement, and ask questions to other women about miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, and all forms of pregnancy loss. We love you and support you. 

We thank of this space as a table. A place where you can site with a tribe of women who understand. Sit. Talk. Cry. Laugh. Understand. 

This group is an extension of the book Loved Baby: 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss (written by Sarah Philpott). We also recommend the book Desert Song by Brittnie Blackburn. 

Our rule is kindness first. We are not here to argue, but to support. And you all follow this rule so well. This group is amazing. 

We do request that we are all sensitive to subjects that trigger emotional reactions. We absolutely want you to share joys such as rainbow babies, questions over trying to conceive (ttc), sensitive and special photographs of your child, and the joyous apprehension of a new pregnancy after a loss (pal). 

However we recognize that these particular topics can trigger emotional responses that some women are not yet ready to approach. For this reason, we ask that you post all of the above topics in the COMMENT section of the post. You can TITLE THE POST with a subject line. For example, "TTC Question in Comments", "PAL Concern in Comments" or "Picture of My 17 week old in Comments." This way women can have a safe place to share what is on their heart and people who do not want to see certain subjects can also feel safe. 

We want to all women to feel support not matter where they are in this difficult journey of pregnancy loss.

The current leader of this group is Name. She is a prayer warrior and such a kind, compassionate soul. 

The administrators/moderators are Names. We are ALL moms of loss.

We also have a Loved Baby: Pregnancy After Loss Support group administered by Names. You are welcome to join this group if you need this type of unique support.

Whenever you are ready, we invite you to share your story, questions, or just your need to vent pain with us. We will wrap you in support and love. 

Please know, your baby was wonderfully & fearfully made. We want to both grieve for and cherish the child that you carried in your womb. 

Prayers for you,
The Loved Baby Team

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

Members: 3210

17 Moderators & Admins

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Post: Video of song by Garth Brooks titled Mom. 

Caption: So this song popped up on my memories from 2014. I’m afraid to listen at work because I may breakdown. I haven’t hear this in a while. Thought I’d share.

Comments (2): “This was one of the songs we played at our daughter’s funeral.” Original poster replied: “Its so beautiful and will get the tears going.”

Likes: 2

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Post: Today would have been our little girls due date, but we lost her at 11 weeks back in May. I woke up to AF [aunt flo] 8 days late, after having little hope that I might be pregnant (totally not trying but when AF is late there’s always that little glimpse of hope), and my dog’s are missing. I wish I had someone to watch my son so I could just cry all day. 

Comments (3): I’m so sorry! Hope you had someone who could help you with your son, or that you gave yourself some grace. (suggests TV as babysitter for some chill time); My due date for our daughter is Sunday I totally understand how you’re feeling; original poster – my 3 year od fell asleep while trying to console my crying and we had a nice nap together. That was the only good time of the day.

Crying face: 2

Love: 4

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Post: Just lost my 8th baby. We were at 26+4 [26 weeks and 4 days] and had been hospitalized for 3 weeks following pprom at 23+5. We knew we were fighting to get him far enough along to give him a good chance at life. We were so shocked one morning to wake up and find his heart had just stopped beating. We delivered him yesterday. He’s perfect and so peaceful. We named him name. I am getting ready to discharge and I think leaving him behind will be absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We are just shattered and having a hard time imagining how we will keep moving forward. 

Comments (31): Prayers and hugs, sending prayers for you. Im sorry, I’m so sorry. Praying for you, I’m so sorry mama. Praying for you today, My heart breaks for you! I lost my boy to pprom in July at 22 weeks. I can’t imagine how hard it must be after so many losses and such a long time in the hospital, I’m so sorry. Words can’t take away the hurt. But I am praying you will feel God carrying you through this difficult time. 

Crying Face: 90

Loves: 7

Likes: 1

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Post: Sweet Mommas, did any of ya’ll take supplements to help with anxiety and depression following loss of precious baby?? I’m finding myself struggling more and more as Magnolia’s due date gets closer. I’m looking to increase my Omegas and Bs. Wondering if ya’ll have anything to suggest. 

Comments (23): Following. I am also interested; My hubby got me a weighted blanket. Not a supplement but a huge game changer for me; I did. I believe I get PPD after my miscarriages. The hormone change is the same. I don’t take medicine if I don’t have to, but I can spiral quickly…Vitamin D3 is one to definitely add. (a few women said look at getting doctor prescribed meds)

Original poster was very active: saying thank you and expressing condolences for others losses

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Post: Graphic with word/Billboard – “He cried. He knew Lazarus was dead before He got the news. But still, He cried. He knew Lazarus would be alive again in moments, but still, He cried. He knew death here is not forever, He knew eternity and the kingdom better than anyone else could, yet He wept. Because this world is full of pain and regret and loss and depression and devastation. He wept because knowing the end of the story doesn’t mean you cant cry at the sad parts.” Amen!

Comments (3): This; Amen; Yes!

Love: 33

Like: 31

Crying Face: 2 

Appendix B – Second Observation

Post: Hey, guys. I’m realizing lately that I’m not sure that I know the balance between grieving and trusting God. Does anyone have a practical perspective on this?  I think this may not be worded too clearly, so here’s an example. When do I let myself feel the hurt of yet another girl announcing their pregnancy and simultaneously remembering that God’s timing is perfect for my own, unique story? I’m truthfully struggling with what seems like some bitterness and definitely some jealousy, and I want to know how to “unpack” my grief while still keeping my perspective where it should be.

Comments (11): I’m having the same struggle; I truly believe our grief is God ordained. The love we have for our babies is a God given emotion, and where there is great love, there is great grief…; I usually just pray about it. I tell God I’m hurting and sad, but I know he has a plan. It is sad; When you feel the pain, take it to God. That IS you trusting him.

Original poster replied to a comment: “Wow, what an excellent answer to my tricky question.”

Likes/Loves: 8

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Post: Picture of baby hats with numbers underneath signifying weeks of gestation: words on picture says: No matter what gestation your baby existed your baby matters.

Comments (18): Mine is a 4; I got mine for my miscarriage just a couple weeks ago. My baby stopped growing at 6 weeks; Awww the 8wk. How tiny that’s the size my baby was; Thank you

1 share

Loves: 98

Likes: 50

Crying Face: 2

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Post: Article link to Today.com “James Van Der Beek announces his wife’s miscarriage: ‘There are no words’” Caption: (quoting the article) “First off – we need a new word for it. ‘Mis-carriage,” in an insidious way, suggests fault for the mother – as if she dropped something, or failed to ‘carry.’ From what I’ve learned, in all but the most obvious, extreme cases, it has nothing to do with anything the mother did or didn’t do. So lets wipe all blame off the table before we even start. Its painful and its heartbreaking on levels deeper than you may have ever experienced…”

Likes: 17

Loves: 30

Crying Face: 26

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Post: I miscarried in August at 15 weeks but I felt like something was wrog long before that. /I was swelling terribly and had bleeding early on and was miserable sick all the time. The only thing that helped was the pressure point bracelets. Now I’m pregnant again and the swelling has started and I’m bleeding. I’m not sick but I’m terrified I’m going to lose the baby too. God, what do I do?

Comments (11): Just give it all to God. The fears, the worries, the hope, all of it. Whatever is going to happen will happen. So be kind to yourself and lean on God. I’ll be praying for you!; Pray! And I’ll be praying for you; pray and follow what the dr says as far as when you need to get off your feet; praying for your sweet bean to stick; ER mama. Go! Don’t waste time.

Likes: 1

Loves: 5

Crying face: 5

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Post: Dear ladies, please pray for me and baby C. We lost our daughter name @ 18+2 in February 2019. I’m now 21+2 with rainbow baby C and went to have my cervix checked yesterday and they were looking for additional fetal survey screening and realized baby has a large hole in its heart between the ventricles…

Comments (35): praying for you and baby C; praying right now; I was born with two holes in my heard and they patched me up when I was 3. This was in 1991 and medical science has come even further since then. Praying for you and baby!; I’m so sorry! What a lot to deal with all at once. I can only imagine how scary and difficult it must feel. My sister’s son was born last year with a congenital heart defect

Likes: 12

Loves: 31

Crying face: 18

Wow face:1

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Post: Got one of those dumb emails where they think I’m still pregnant with the baby I lost x.x Enfamil wants to know if I’ve packed my hospital bag. So frustrating. Idk which app told them but they should really tell them about the reported loss. 

Comments (21): Totally agree. I got Enfamil stuff in the actual mail all the time; those emails were like a slap in the face. I hate that they all use each other to get new people, but when a loss is reported news never seems to travel back again. Praying for you heart I know how jolting tat is; I feel you mama…; I am sorry for all of you receiving these stuff. The other day I received on the mail a bunch of gift cards, with coupons for baby products…

Crying face: 15

Love: 1

Appendix C – Third Observation

Post: My son mattered. Sickness and abnormalities or not. To be pregnant one day, and to suddenly not be, is surreal. To carry to term, deliver your child via Csection, alive in the world. Then to be forced to watch them die. Doctors rushing in, no time to ask, “how would you like to bury your child?” To hold him, cloth him, and admire all of his beauty…

Comments (10): I’m so sorry Mama. You are absolutely right. No one should ever have to go through that. This world is so cruel and unjust. I’m so sorry…I am praying for you; Our babies existed. Were loved. ARE LOVED. Praying for you momma; I’m so sorry and your baby matters; yes our babies mattered. It is so painful to have a postpartum body, a postpartum life, the scas and pain from a c section and no baby to hold…

Love: 5

Like: 2

Crying face: 22

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Post: Link to article from pinchofyum.com titled What to do when your friend loses a baby. 

Comments (3): Thank you for sharing this. I haven’t cried over my baby in months..I’ve kind of pushed it away for a little while as it’s been a year and a half. But as I opened this link it dawned on me that my due date was a year ago tomorrow and I would’ve had a one year old birthday to celebrate this week…; I say eat some cake to celebrate the life, however short, of your precious little one. I’m so sorry for your loss; that is a wonderful idea

Love: 1

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Post: Argh! These cramps are horrendous and I have no idea what they’re from? I should be ovulating this week, but not peaking until Saturday. Are these ovulation cramps?? I also have a lot of that egg white type discharge. This happened last month about this time too. This has never happened to be before these last two lines. It seems like such a strange time to be having cramps so badly. 

Comments (24): Those are ovulation signs; What CD (cycle day) are you on? I get awful ovulation cramps. Nothing on my period though; My cramps during ovulation are worse than period cramps; Sounds like cervical mucus produced during ovulation. It’s a good thing. 

Original poster replied to each comment

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Post: Struggling. It was a year ago we lost our 2nd loss. Have thought abut killing myself. 

Comments (19): Telephone…please call suicide hotline; praying for you! I am so sorry! Those feelings are hard to work though. Keep looking up, one step at a time, one day at a time; Hey call me anytime. I will pm you for my number. Last Saturday was my ‘a year ago.’ Its hard but you will see this through; I’m one of the admins I’m pming you right ow; I encourage you to reach out to someone if you need. When I felt that way I always heard voice telling me to push on and maybe one day my story or my encouragement could help save someone’s life…; 1 year anniversary is hard. Hang in there, momma; There were so many times I wished I would die. I’m so sorry. God is so very near to you in your sorrow, even if you don’t feel Him He is close enough that He is able to hold a bottle to your cheek as each tear falls; You are so loved! You deserve to live!! Please reach out to someone. Today is rough but you can make it

Love: 2

Crying face: 15

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Post: Got my first period post d&c (dilation and curettage). This was my second loss this year. I have 2.5 year old girls. Dr said to wait 3 cycles before trying again…my obgyn did a panel of bloodwork for diff things which all came back normal..but the thought of trying again just terrifies me

Comments (3): Huge hugs your way! Did you have your vitamin levels checked? Vitamin D & B-12 are super important and so is iron. I just found out all three of mine were low in addition to my zinc level due to Hashimotos. Praying for you mama…;I completely understand how you feel I have had 4 miscarriage and each time they run test on baby and the have ran test on me and my husband and all come back normal We have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old so I know we are capable of having a healthy baby…; I’m so sorry. It is frustrating when everything seems ‘normal’ you’d think everything would be fine with the pregnancy. I can definitely understand why you’d be scared to try again. Each pregnancy is different. You know your body is capable of a healthy pregnancy or you wouldn’t have your 2.5 year olds. Sending a prayer for you

Crying face: 5

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Post: Picture of couple with 2 little girls with 2 silhouettes of babies superimposed over them (signifying their 2 miscarriages) caption – Added these shadow babies to our family pic. They symbolize the babies we have lost to miscarriage this year. I’d love to do a few if anyone wants one.

Comments (32): I would love one if you aren’t too busy. This is amazing and gave me the chills. You’re so kind to share this (posted a photo); Can u do it on this one. Just one (posted a photo); 

A number of women posting family photos and requesting the same thing on theirs

Original poster posted some photos that were edited

Likes/Loves: 21 

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Post: Picture with colorful background with the words: Holiday reminders…you aren’t alone, you are loved, you have a reason to rejoice. 

A repost of a Proverbs 31 Ministries post

Comments (3): Thanks for sharing; I thought this would be good encouragement; always a good reminder

Likes/loves: 10

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Post: 2 photos – one of a pumpkin with a halo and wings, and one of a little angel girl holding a pumpkin caption: We lost our baby on August 14 at 8 weeks. I’ve realy had a tough time with the loss because it was my first pregnancy and we had previously been told I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant naturally so this was a surprise. We ended up naming our baby Pumpkin because we would have found out gender around Halloween. I’ve been talking about wanting a tattoo for a few months and Wednesday my husband surprised me by getting me one for a early Christmas present. He had it all planned out with the tattoo artist already having a design drawn up. It was absolutely perfect. My husband got a tatoo also. The color (pumpkin with wings) is mine. What do you think?

Comments: I think it is very sweet of your husband to surprise you with a gift like this to remember you baby; I love this; You always have your sweet baby close to you; I love them both! What a wonderful way to pay tribute to your baby; beautiful

Likes/Loves: 30

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Post: Photos of Holy Innocents Catholic Church with caption: I’m not sure if this lovely church has been mentioned previously. Today my mother and I took a trip to NYC to church that honors pregnancy and infant loss. They have a beautiful memorial and book that lists your baby’s name. While we aren’t Catholic we were treated with care and love. They have a mass for us mothers the first Monday every month. I highly recommend visiting if you go to NYC. 

Comments (8): That is so beautiful; Thank you for sharing, I’m in NYC and although I’m not catholic, I will go to the monthly mass and add my baby’s name to the book; I’ve never been there, but I submitted my babies’ names online to be included in their boo of life; I have also had some wonderful support from the Catholic church. Attended a baby loss retreat this year at Notre Dame. It was a huge blessing to both me and my husband

Likes/Loves: 43

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Post: pretty background with the words: The day when it all happened I joined a club. Though involuntarily and unconsciously, but I got full membership in the club of mothers with empty arms, and a broken, grieving heart. Caption: Sad that we all have to be in this group, but thankful for everyones understanding and Christian support in this group.

No comments

Loves: 17

Likes: 8

Crying face: 4

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Post: Picture – drawing of a women holding the sun with the words “she wanted the rainbow so she put up with the rain” and the caption – I immediately thought of this group when I saw this

Likes/Loves: 35

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Post: I am hurting and confused and angry and heartbroken all rolled into one ball of tears. My husband and I lost a baby through miscarriage at 9 weeks in late July. I felt like I was finally coming to terms with his loss and finding closure. My husband and I found out we were expecting again on Halloween. We went to my first OB appointment on Thursday. They told us that our baby did not make its way into my uterus and that the baby implanted somewhere near my right ovary. This baby is just over 8 weeks. We have to go back for more labs on Monday and a Doctors appointment on Tuesday to determine next steps.
I am struggling with feelings of guilt and anger towards my body for not carrying our baby to safety and for having to make a choice no mother should have to make this coming week. My baby is alive but not in a place of safety for either of us and I cannot come to terms with what we have to do. 

My heart is broken and I am angry and confused. I look at my 13 month old son and can’t understand how God could have delivered such a beautiful and perfect little human into our arms but we will never get to know Noah and Isaiah.

Comments (9): Oh mama. My heart breaks with yours. I am so so sorry. I will be praying for a miracle and praying for your hearts while you grieve. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted; I’m so sorry. May you feel God’s presence holding you and carrying you through this difficult time; Oh I am tearing up reading this. It’s not your fault, theres nothing you could have done differently. I am so sorry for the steps ahead of you and will be holding you close in my prayers; I’m sorry. Its not your fault. It really isn’t; I’m so sorry

Original poster: Thank you everyone for the prayers and kind words! I’ve been blasting praise and worship music…

Update: I was able to get In to see another doctor today because of some pain I was having overnight. They did another ultrasound and found a mass on my right ovary and some free fluid. They scheduled me for surgery tomorrow at noon. Prayers for a safe surgery and peace of mind for my husband and I would be greatly appreciated. 

Loves: 5

Crying face: 12

Appendix D – Fourth Observation

Post: Comment – “Currently crying my eyes out at work. Our due date was in less than two weeks and took a test this morning because I was 90% sure I was pregnant. BIG FAT NO. Crying because I feel guilty for being slightly relieved, and because I’m afraid there’s something wrong. My husband works 2nd, and my friends are all busy, so I’ll be sitting at home after work by myself. I just want a hug.”

Comments: “Hugs from afar. I understand this so much. I pray everything is ok and you get your rainbow soon.” – I’m sorry for the pain. “I’m so sorry! Praying God will wrap his arms around you!” “Maybe find a good book and draw you a hot bath and light some candles and soak.” “Sending hugs.” 

Crying Face: 12

Heart: 3

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Post: Comment – “So as we are now facing the holiday season without the precious baby we thought would fill our homes with a special Christmas love…share one present that you would have loved to put under the tree for them this 2019 Christmas season. If your angel is older than a year, what do you think they would have loved at the heavenly age they are?”

Comments (18): wrap a trip to Disney World, fisher price school bus slides, anything/a ball, gifts of memories – skiing and tubing, baby toys, big sisters would be going crazy picking all kinds of stuff under the tree, a princess dress, had their stockings monogramed and wrapped their first ornaments, a first Christmas outfit/a stuffy/a few toys,  squishy baby toy, a baby book, a cabbage patch doll

Hearts: 2

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Post: Picture with caption – Pair of hands holding a baby, supposed to be a fetus/miscarried child, very small child. Caption: “What a beautiful picture! Our babies are in Jesus’s hands.”

Comments (2): “Love it!” “My son was exactly this size!!! I love this”

Hearts: 109

Likes: 48

Cry: 4

Laugh: 1

Observation – this post has one of the most ‘reaction’ engagements 

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Post: “Ok so I have had 2 miscarriages this year…one in may at 12 weeks and one a few weeks ago at 6ish weeks///doctor did some bloodwork for my thyroid, cardiolipin, factor 2 dna analysis, factor v leiden mutation, hemoglobin a1c, lupus, mthfr, and protein s functional…got my results today and it all came back normal. So why did I lose my babies?”

Comments (20): “I’m so sorry for your losses. Unfortunately a good majority of the time we don’t actually get clear answers or a reason….” “same thing happened to me last year, now I’m pregnant with my rainbow after taking baby aspirin and progesterone” “here’s my thought on normal bloodwork – what is normal is because it falls into a range science has set. You don’t know what your normal is before a miscarriage.” “I had three in a row with no explanation.”  There was a lot of back and forth with commenters and the original poster asking about symptoms, experiences, etc. Some people comforting because there is no answer. 

Cry: 3

Like: 1

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Post: “Tuesday will have been my baby’s due date. What did you all do to celebrate that date? I don’t’ want to be sad that day. I want to do something to help someone else.”

Comments: “I light a candle and post things about pregnancy loss.” “We plan to donate stuff to either a pregnancy center or a hospital for a mom in need.” “We got a cupcake and blew out a candle.” “We brought gifts to thank the nurses who worked with us at the hospital and a box of goodies for another set of loss parents.” “My husband and I prepared a laundry basket full of clothes, diapers, bottles, wipes, and toys and donated it to a crisis pregnancy center. The shopping was painful, but therapeutic and it was good to find a place for the love I had/have for my child.”

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Post: “Went to my best friend’s baby’s first birthday party today. I love that girl so much and I truly was celebrating, but it’s so hard to not start thinking about how in 2 weeks I should be celebrating the birth of our baby.” Talked about how a friend asked after her and she lied and said she was tired. 

Comment: “I’m glad that you were able to celebrate her birthday but I can imagine how hard it was. That shows you truly are a good friend. Prayers for you.” 

Crying face: 7

Appendix E – Fifth Observation

Thanksgiving Day

Picture with text: “Gratitude and sorrow can co-exist. One doesn’t negate the other, in fact, they are like complimentary colors, enhancing each other and deepening true joy. The kind of joy that can weep AND laugh in the face of tomorrow. Wherever you are in the spectrum of now and not yet, you have a place at the table. Come. Taste and see. God is still good.” Silverware wrapped in red cloth and orange leaves. 

Comment: I LOVE this. 

Likes/Loves: 9

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Post: Request for prayers. Family had dinner together and comments were made that “all of us are here,” and “everyone made it.” Lost baby in July. I started crying and I’ve been able to somewhat control it. But family wants to take a picture with “all of us” and “all the grandkids.” Had a hard time being thankful for things today. Family knows about miscarriage.

Comments (15): “I understand your pain.” “Praying for you.” “Could you ask them to include something for your baby in the picture?” “That’s so hard. I know the feeling. It hurts because we want someone to remember our Angels. I’ve decided that I will bring it up if I need to or add that there is one missing.” “I refuse to let my family forget her. She is in family photos and goes on vacations” (had a bear made) – posted with picture of children and a plush bear.

A lot of people that had similar experiences and how they handled or didn’t handle the situation. 

Original poster commented on a few of the comments responding. 

Crying face: 9

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Post: Picture with comment – Photo of woman holding a pumpkin in front of stomach – “Happy Thanksgiving, ladies! As I baked my desserts for my family dinner later today, I was praying for you ladies. Though your babies are not with us here on earth, they are remembered and loved. YOU are loved, ladies. And I hope each of you can find moments of joy and thankfulness today even if it is hard.”

Comments (14): “I love your godly wisdom and really appreciate having “met” you on here!” “So beautiful! Happy Thanksgiving.” “You are incredible and I am so thankful for you!” “Thank you so much! Blessings to you and your family today.” A lot of thank yous. 

Original poster comments: responded to every comment. 

Likes/Loves: 47

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Post: “Trigger warning. Miscarriage viable pregnancy. Depression & PTSD” Talks about having a difficult time because she and sister got pregnant at the same time in June and lost the baby but sister is pregnant still. Lost 7 in 15 years. Has living children but is sad and depressed especially during the holidays. “No one seems to care. I feel so alone. When will this get easier?” Has been diagnosed with PTSD but husband doesn’t agree.

Comments (2): “I’m so so sorry momma. It can feel so isolating. Praying for you.” “I’m so sorry. I said a prayer for you specifically right now. PTSD becaue of miscarriage is a real thing, whether or not your hubby acknowledges it.” – asked if considered switching therapists. So sorry this year has been hard for you. Praying for relief for you. Asked if had named any babies. 

Crying face: 8

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Post: “Really hating today and the people I know that are pregnant. I hate that I keep losing my babies but that they must be better than me and get to be pregnant! I hate that they are shoving it in my face on Facebook.”

Comments (6): “I’m so sorry. It is hard to understand why God allows others to be pregnant when we have lost our babies. We may not always have answers.” - Gentle reminder that friends may not be trying to rub pregnancy in face but they might not be thinking of how it would affect someone that has been through a loss. “Unfollow people! I unfollow everyone that is pregnant.” – I never think that people are trying to rub it in my face, they should be able to post about their excitement. Sometimes we don’t know what people go through. “I just had dinner at a house where my niece is pregnant” – it was hard to see. 

A lot of sympathy but gentle reminders that they are not trying to hurt you but that poster should take steps to protect self

Crying face: 5

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Post: Picture with text and comment: Ocean with text over “Whatever my lot thou has taught me to say it is well with my soul” from She Reads Truth.com: Comment “Possible TW (trigger warning)…children, loss…things may not feel ‘well’ with your soul today. Maybe you woke up really hurting and filled with grief…you may not feel thankful today and that’s ok.” – tells the story of Horatio Spafford the man who wrote the hymn It Is Well. – “today you may not be able to say “it is well” when you think about your sweet baby gone too soon from this earth. That’s Ok.” Talks about hope found in Jesus as Savior. Praying for you ladies.

Comments (10): “Thank you for sharing. I’ve always loved that song. I needed that reminder today.” “The story behind this hymn is so moving. What a story of faith in times of great loss.” “This song was played at our sons celebration service. He was born and survived seven hours at 25 weeks.”

Original poster responses: Responded to every comment. Discussion with commenter that mentioned son’s celebration. 

Likes/Loves: 23

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Post: repost from Still Standing Magazine – photo of paper with Pregnancy and Infant Loss Bill of Rights. “When a pregnancy end or a baby dies, there is such helplessness felt by the parents of that child.” – talks about how much of a struggle it is to move on and how the struggle is made more difficult by a lack of support from those around you. Every person that loses a child/pregnancy has rights – right to talk about your baby, to be sad or happy or whatever you feel, share your story or not, remember your baby however you want to, to ask for help, to say what you need, have your loss considered, embrace your grief, change your mind, and to grieve when or where or how you lost your baby. 

No comments

Likes/Loves: 12

Observations – a lot of posts and comments are of people struggling. In my experience, the holidays are a really difficult time for people struggling with any type of loss and that shows consistency through this group as well. 

Appendix F – Interview One with Elizabeth