Larry Mary: The Martyr of Canidar
Taran Haynes
Characters:
LARRY MARY: The heroic protagonist. Male.
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Holder of LARRY MARY’S trust fund, ideally left-handed. Probably female.
PHEASANT PLUCKER: A pleasant peasant. Female.
TOM: The Lord of the bunbuns.
GUARD A: A bunbun guard.
GUARD 2: A bunbun guard.
EL NARRADORA: An Explora. Male or female.
Setting: Canidar
Time: Fall
Act 1
Scene One
(There are no stage directions. EL NARRADORA enters wearing an obscenely large Fez which he/she promptly takes off and never references again. The Fez is, however, central to the play and absolutely non-optional. There is a set.)
EL NARRADORA: Dear patrons and patriottes [patriots + ettes], here our story begins, in the land of Canidar. It’s a wilted and whimsical place of dystopian dyslexic dialectics- where the lean green grass-fed cows graze lazily on the rapid running water loggers, and the timid turbines blow screaming air slowly through the night covered baskets. Stabbing drums echo silently across the mellow melon meadows made yellow by the changing of the suns.
(LARRY MARY enters, followed by RIGHT-HANDED MAN)
LARRY MARY: Oh, Canidar. My Canidar. My home, my country, my purple mountained majesty. Of thee high C. (To RIGHT-HANDED MAN) Oh my trustee Right-Handed Man, we have finally made it!
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Larry Mary, we are here! In the befuddled land of Canidar.
LARRY MARY: Yes.
EL NARRADORA: Their journey was arduous.
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Our journey was arduous.
LARRY MARY: Quite.
EL NARRADORA: But why were they here? For what reason had they come?
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: But why are we here? For what reason have we come?
LARRY MARY: That’s an excellent questions, one which most certainly deserve an answers.
(Beat)
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: But why are we here? For what reason have we come?
EL NARRADORA: The Right-Handed Man asked again.
LARRY MARY: Simple! ‘Tis the season for harvest here in Canidar, my homeland. It’s a magical time when the melon fields turn yellow and the Goosen begin to migrate south. Perfect is the season for attaining the things for which we quest!
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: You mean--?
LARRY MARY: That’s right! Crop dust and whores.
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Glorious!
EL NARRADORA: And it was. Or would have always been, had they but known that something direly inconvenient had happened but mere days before the arrival of our intrepid duo.
(Enter Pheasant Plucker holding a duck.)
LARRY MARY: Hello there, you pleasant pheasant plucker! You seem indistressed.
PHEASANT PLUCKER: Larry Mary! You have returned! Oh thank god’s-ass you’re here!
LARRY MARY: We are on a quest of grave import. What troubles you so?
PHEASANT PLUCKER: It’s awful! An all-natural disaster of reasonable proportions has befellen upon Canidar!
LARRY MARY: What is it prey? Tell.
PHEASANT PLUCKER: A plague of organic bunbuns has beswarmmed the province! They are ravaging the fields!
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Oh no! Not the crop dust!
PHEASANT PLUCKER: Worse, they also ravage our brothels!
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Oh no! Not the whores!
PHEASANT PLUCKER: Please, you must help us!
LARRY MARY: We must put a stop to this Tom Foolery! I know what me must do. We will find the lord of the bunbuns and settle this once and floral! Quickly, we ride!
(They mount live meese and ride hard in-place. This should be dramatic and in slow motion. PHEASANT PLUCKER exits, walking normally off stage.)
EL NARRADORA: They rode: day and night, and day and night, and day, traveling the mile into the heart of Canidar. They overcame many obstacles on the trip and used the restroom more than once before finally finding the lord of the bunbuns! Suffice to say it was very interesting.
(Enter TOM and GUARD A and GUARD 2. LARRY MARY and RIGHT-HANDED MAN dismount their meese. All the bunbuns wear bunny ears.)
LARRY MARY: Alas, we have found you Tom! We have come to put an end to your ravaging and foolery!
TOM: Oh have you? And just how do you plan on stopping us?
LARRY MARY: An excellent question! One which definitely deserves an answer!
(Beat)
TOM: And just how do you plan on stopping us?
EL NARRADORA: Tom asked again.
LARRY MARY: Simple! By appealing to your reason and convincing you to stop.
TOM: Very well. An honorable challenge of whits it shall be. We shall square off in formal debate. If you convince me to stop, Canidar shall be rid of my organic bunbuns. But if I defeat you, all the crop dust and whores in Canidar shall be mine!
LARRY MARY: Sobe it! Even though I prefer Fuze, I shall accept your duel.
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Larry Mary, let me help!
LARRY MARY: No! You cannot. (Placed his hand on RIGHT-HANDED MAN’S shoulder). Me trustee Right-Handed Man. You’ve always been there for me. When we forded the black river of Sandy Fields, you were there to pull me from the horrid tide. And when we fought the three bears fair, you saved me from the jaws of defeat. Through thick and thin, you’ve been by my side. But you heard what he said, this is to be an honorable contest. I must stand alone. No matter what happens, I must see this through to the end myself.
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: But what if something happens to you?!
LARRY MARY: Don’t worry about me. Everything is going to work out. I can handle this.
(RIGHT-HANDED MAN and LARRY MARY have a moment. It’s touching.)
LARRY MARY: Ok Tom, I’m ready.
(TOM and LARRY MARY circle each other before squaring off.)
EL NARRADORA: And so the two rivals squared off, prepared for an epic struggle of the minds: following the Lincoln-Douglas debate format. The stage was set, and the final struggle was about to begin.
(Beat)
LARRY MARY: I’ll begin with my opening statement: (Clears throat loudly) As far back as Charlemagne—
TOM: Sand attack!
(TOM takes a fistful of sand from his pocket and throws it into LARRY MARY’S eyes.)
LARRY MARY: Ah, my eyes! My one weakness!
(LARRY MARY falls to the ground. TOM, GUARD A, and GUARD 2 immediately fall on him, stomping and kicking the shit out of him. They ad-lib things like: “Take that, bitch” and “How do you like that, bitch?” And “Like the taste of shoes, bitch?” Etc. RIGHT-HANDED MAN just watches with patient horror. This should be brutal and decisive, and probably not short. After a good old-fashion stomping, the bunbuns stop.)
TOM: Yeah—that’s right! Canidar is ours now, foo. [Fool minus the l].
(The bunbuns take LARRY MARY’S wallet and exit, making sure to give him a final kick and a victorious air hip thrust for good measure before they do. Once they are gone, RIGHT-HANDED MAN rushes to LARRY MARY and holds him in his/her arms.)
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: (Sobbing) Oh Larry Mary, they have stomped you out!
LARRY MARY: I know. (Coughs) I’m so sorry. I ...
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Shh ... don’t talk. I’ll tell everyone I meet you are story. I’ll make sure you are never forgotten! The world shall know of your brave sacrifice.
LARRY MARY: Oh sweet Right-Handed Man ... (coughs) I will miss you ... Give my wife my love ... and nothing more ... (coughs more, then dies).
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Goodnight, sweet prince ...
(A moment, it’s sad. After a moment, RIGHT-HANDED MAN stands and carries or drags LARRY MARY’S body off stage.)
EL NARRADORA: And so it was that Larry Mary became the Martyr of Canidar. His story would be told throughout the land by everyone except his embittered and impoverished widow, who was left with a large funeral bill to settle but no inheritance. The end.
CURTAIN
LARRY MARY: The heroic protagonist. Male.
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Holder of LARRY MARY’S trust fund, ideally left-handed. Probably female.
PHEASANT PLUCKER: A pleasant peasant. Female.
TOM: The Lord of the bunbuns.
GUARD A: A bunbun guard.
GUARD 2: A bunbun guard.
EL NARRADORA: An Explora. Male or female.
Setting: Canidar
Time: Fall
Act 1
Scene One
(There are no stage directions. EL NARRADORA enters wearing an obscenely large Fez which he/she promptly takes off and never references again. The Fez is, however, central to the play and absolutely non-optional. There is a set.)
EL NARRADORA: Dear patrons and patriottes [patriots + ettes], here our story begins, in the land of Canidar. It’s a wilted and whimsical place of dystopian dyslexic dialectics- where the lean green grass-fed cows graze lazily on the rapid running water loggers, and the timid turbines blow screaming air slowly through the night covered baskets. Stabbing drums echo silently across the mellow melon meadows made yellow by the changing of the suns.
(LARRY MARY enters, followed by RIGHT-HANDED MAN)
LARRY MARY: Oh, Canidar. My Canidar. My home, my country, my purple mountained majesty. Of thee high C. (To RIGHT-HANDED MAN) Oh my trustee Right-Handed Man, we have finally made it!
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Larry Mary, we are here! In the befuddled land of Canidar.
LARRY MARY: Yes.
EL NARRADORA: Their journey was arduous.
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Our journey was arduous.
LARRY MARY: Quite.
EL NARRADORA: But why were they here? For what reason had they come?
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: But why are we here? For what reason have we come?
LARRY MARY: That’s an excellent questions, one which most certainly deserve an answers.
(Beat)
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: But why are we here? For what reason have we come?
EL NARRADORA: The Right-Handed Man asked again.
LARRY MARY: Simple! ‘Tis the season for harvest here in Canidar, my homeland. It’s a magical time when the melon fields turn yellow and the Goosen begin to migrate south. Perfect is the season for attaining the things for which we quest!
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: You mean--?
LARRY MARY: That’s right! Crop dust and whores.
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Glorious!
EL NARRADORA: And it was. Or would have always been, had they but known that something direly inconvenient had happened but mere days before the arrival of our intrepid duo.
(Enter Pheasant Plucker holding a duck.)
LARRY MARY: Hello there, you pleasant pheasant plucker! You seem indistressed.
PHEASANT PLUCKER: Larry Mary! You have returned! Oh thank god’s-ass you’re here!
LARRY MARY: We are on a quest of grave import. What troubles you so?
PHEASANT PLUCKER: It’s awful! An all-natural disaster of reasonable proportions has befellen upon Canidar!
LARRY MARY: What is it prey? Tell.
PHEASANT PLUCKER: A plague of organic bunbuns has beswarmmed the province! They are ravaging the fields!
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Oh no! Not the crop dust!
PHEASANT PLUCKER: Worse, they also ravage our brothels!
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Oh no! Not the whores!
PHEASANT PLUCKER: Please, you must help us!
LARRY MARY: We must put a stop to this Tom Foolery! I know what me must do. We will find the lord of the bunbuns and settle this once and floral! Quickly, we ride!
(They mount live meese and ride hard in-place. This should be dramatic and in slow motion. PHEASANT PLUCKER exits, walking normally off stage.)
EL NARRADORA: They rode: day and night, and day and night, and day, traveling the mile into the heart of Canidar. They overcame many obstacles on the trip and used the restroom more than once before finally finding the lord of the bunbuns! Suffice to say it was very interesting.
(Enter TOM and GUARD A and GUARD 2. LARRY MARY and RIGHT-HANDED MAN dismount their meese. All the bunbuns wear bunny ears.)
LARRY MARY: Alas, we have found you Tom! We have come to put an end to your ravaging and foolery!
TOM: Oh have you? And just how do you plan on stopping us?
LARRY MARY: An excellent question! One which definitely deserves an answer!
(Beat)
TOM: And just how do you plan on stopping us?
EL NARRADORA: Tom asked again.
LARRY MARY: Simple! By appealing to your reason and convincing you to stop.
TOM: Very well. An honorable challenge of whits it shall be. We shall square off in formal debate. If you convince me to stop, Canidar shall be rid of my organic bunbuns. But if I defeat you, all the crop dust and whores in Canidar shall be mine!
LARRY MARY: Sobe it! Even though I prefer Fuze, I shall accept your duel.
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Larry Mary, let me help!
LARRY MARY: No! You cannot. (Placed his hand on RIGHT-HANDED MAN’S shoulder). Me trustee Right-Handed Man. You’ve always been there for me. When we forded the black river of Sandy Fields, you were there to pull me from the horrid tide. And when we fought the three bears fair, you saved me from the jaws of defeat. Through thick and thin, you’ve been by my side. But you heard what he said, this is to be an honorable contest. I must stand alone. No matter what happens, I must see this through to the end myself.
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: But what if something happens to you?!
LARRY MARY: Don’t worry about me. Everything is going to work out. I can handle this.
(RIGHT-HANDED MAN and LARRY MARY have a moment. It’s touching.)
LARRY MARY: Ok Tom, I’m ready.
(TOM and LARRY MARY circle each other before squaring off.)
EL NARRADORA: And so the two rivals squared off, prepared for an epic struggle of the minds: following the Lincoln-Douglas debate format. The stage was set, and the final struggle was about to begin.
(Beat)
LARRY MARY: I’ll begin with my opening statement: (Clears throat loudly) As far back as Charlemagne—
TOM: Sand attack!
(TOM takes a fistful of sand from his pocket and throws it into LARRY MARY’S eyes.)
LARRY MARY: Ah, my eyes! My one weakness!
(LARRY MARY falls to the ground. TOM, GUARD A, and GUARD 2 immediately fall on him, stomping and kicking the shit out of him. They ad-lib things like: “Take that, bitch” and “How do you like that, bitch?” And “Like the taste of shoes, bitch?” Etc. RIGHT-HANDED MAN just watches with patient horror. This should be brutal and decisive, and probably not short. After a good old-fashion stomping, the bunbuns stop.)
TOM: Yeah—that’s right! Canidar is ours now, foo. [Fool minus the l].
(The bunbuns take LARRY MARY’S wallet and exit, making sure to give him a final kick and a victorious air hip thrust for good measure before they do. Once they are gone, RIGHT-HANDED MAN rushes to LARRY MARY and holds him in his/her arms.)
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: (Sobbing) Oh Larry Mary, they have stomped you out!
LARRY MARY: I know. (Coughs) I’m so sorry. I ...
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Shh ... don’t talk. I’ll tell everyone I meet you are story. I’ll make sure you are never forgotten! The world shall know of your brave sacrifice.
LARRY MARY: Oh sweet Right-Handed Man ... (coughs) I will miss you ... Give my wife my love ... and nothing more ... (coughs more, then dies).
RIGHT-HANDED MAN: Goodnight, sweet prince ...
(A moment, it’s sad. After a moment, RIGHT-HANDED MAN stands and carries or drags LARRY MARY’S body off stage.)
EL NARRADORA: And so it was that Larry Mary became the Martyr of Canidar. His story would be told throughout the land by everyone except his embittered and impoverished widow, who was left with a large funeral bill to settle but no inheritance. The end.
CURTAIN
Taran Haynes is pursuing a Baccalaureate of Theatre.