Snow fell from a lavender sky. The ground surrounding our house was white, but the horizon was a hazy yellow from the streetlights, which told me just how late it was. January and February were the dark months; barely any light reached our house, and even when it did, the weak sunlight only stayed for a few hours before we were once again hidden inside of shadows. Still, these months felt darker than ever before while I sat alone on our coal-colored sofa. I stared through one of our windows with half-lidded eyes, because I was searching the street in front of me for signs of you; any signs of you.

I went back in time; I went back to when we were young and we chased one another around in the woodlands beyond an ugly brown fence. I went back to when we would sled in those same woods, haphazardly dodging trees as we raced down hills. I went back to when things were plain, and to when life was happy.

Then, I moved forward, to times just slightly removed from me. Memories of a hospital room that was sterilized and white raced through my mind; the scent of chemicals and medication made the room unsettling. I remembered pressing my head against your back as tears welled in my eyes. You were half asleep, and numbed by the anesthesia that circulated in your blood.

“I’m still here,” you assured me. You tried to reach for me, but your left wrist brought you to a halt. Even with the drugs, I knew you were still in pain. I stared at the bloated, carcinogenic tumor that had formed there before pressing my face into your shoulder.

“Yes,” I responded, my voice was barely a whisper, “yes, you’re still here.”

Your scent flooded my nose; it was dusty, but somehow sweet. As I continued to hold onto you with my arms wrapped tightly around you, your eyes fell shut.

 
***
 
The phone rang, but I continued to stare through the window hopefully. After a few heartbeats, my eyes picked out a figure just beyond the glass. Their face was gaunt; their eyes were sunken into their sockets, and their cheeks were hollow. They looked ethereal, undiscovered by anyone on this earth, and I was fascinated by them. I reached up to touch their cheek, only to find their opposite hand raising to copy me. My fingers caressed theirs, and I noticed that their skin was smooth and as cold as ice. I leaned my head forward, and they mimicked me so that our foreheads touched. I felt that same coldness against my head that I had felt on my fingers.

“Hey...Can you please call me back? I want to talk to you,” the answering machine echoed from the kitchen, but I did not move from my seat. “The doctor called us a couple days ago...We’re so sorry about what happened... If you need anything, please call us. We want to know you’re okay.” Of course I was okay; I was just waiting. You would be home soon, after all, and I did not want to miss seeing you walk up our driveway.

The only sound in the room was the clock ticking behind me, and the soft drumming of my heart in my ears. The person outside kept me company; every time I glanced upwards, they returned my tired gaze. My eyelids began to droop, and the sky seemed to grow even darker as the pinkish clouds above our house parted to reveal a moonless, navy-colored sky. I could see the stars of Orion, when I squinted, but they were dull and out of focus. Time passed, and my eyes slid shut. The room around me grew silent, and the stranger outside disappeared.

When I awoke I saw you, surrounded by a warm, golden light. My eyes widened and I heard a thunderous noise in my ears. A smile appeared on my once tired face, and I waved at you to catch your attention. After a moment, you turned and stared at me with horror in your gaze.

I tried to speak. I opened my mouth, but no sound escaped from me. You backed away, and I turned my head to look behind me. Do you see something? I wondered, but when I looked over my shoulder, there was nothing aside from the forest we had played in years before. I turned back towards you, only to discover that you were nowhere in sight. My throat tightened, and my feet carried me forward instinctively. I tried to cry out for you, but my voice was no more than a breath of air. I continued to walk, only to notice that the warm summer colors around me were growing dark. I panicked, my eyes darting from side to side as shadows absorbed the forest around me. The noise from before roared in my ears again. It was a familiar sound, but I could not recognize it. I searched for some sign of the place we had been earlier. I found nothing.

Instead, the ground beneath me started to shift like half-dried mud beneath my feet. It was not thick enough to confidently walk on, but it was not thin enough to immediately suck me into the ground. I hesitantly reached out to my left, then behind me, then to the right, and finally pawed at the air in front of me, searching in vain for a wall somewhere in the dark. I could not see my hands in front of me, but as I stretched my body further forward, I realized that the edges of the strange room I sat in were immeasurably far away from me in all directions. I opened my mouth to try to call out for help, only to find that I still could not speak. Fear was beginning to build inside of me, and no matter how many deep breaths I took to calm myself I felt as though I could barely breathe.

I tapped my foot a few inches in front of me. The sludge beneath my feet shifted, but I did not sink. I walked forward two steps, and when I was certain I would not be engulfed by the strange substance beneath me, I began to trek forward.

I could not tell how far I walked, but my legs never grew tired. As I moved further in the darkness, however, my eyes began to pick out words listed in front of me, to my left, to my right, and even behind me. The words were in a golden color, and when I squinted I could make out what each phrase said: Return, Go Back, Leave, Do Not Follow. I swiveled my head all around in order to stare, but my feet forced me to move forward. Instead I continued to trudge forward. As I left the phrases behind, I noticed that a tiny white dot, no larger than the head of a pin had appeared in the distance. My body felt heavier when I noticed the light, as though my legs had finally realized just how far they must have travelled to reach that point. Still, I continued to move towards the only thing I could make out in the monochrome world around me. I was not allowed to stop.

When the white light in front of me had grown to the size of a pea, I felt an unknown weight start to push down on me. As I moved forward, the weight grew heavier, and it began forcing me into the ground. I felt the peat-like surface beneath me break, and I started to desperately wade through it. My chest started to heave as I plowed onwards like an ox tilling a field. Each step required more effort than the last, until I was trapped, panting and fatigued, waist deep in the substance. I could no longer force my legs to move, and I stared in the small light’s direction, noting that it had grown to the size of a baseball.

I lifted my arms to try to pull myself out of the sludge around me only to have my hands sink into the material as well. Now I was fighting to keep my head above the substance, but every time I tried to free myself, I sank deeper into the material. The thick darkness enveloping me was trying to tear the air from my lungs in order to suffocate me, that much I knew, and a more intense weight was driving me further and further downward. I took one last breath, my mouth gaping wide open for a split second before I was completely encased in the substance surrounding me. I refused to breathe, certain that if I did I would choke on the tar surrounding me. The loud noise I had heard earlier returned and it raged against my eardrums. My lungs began to burn, and I struggled to find a way out of the tar only to realize it was futile to try to escape.

Finally, after holding my breath for as long as possible, I opened my mouth and gasped for air. The substance around me rushed into my mouth and went down into my throat and lungs. I began to gag violently, but I kept my eyes shut tightly. Soon my body stopped reacting to the tar’s intrusion. In fact, I could no longer feel the asphyxiating substance around me, or taste it coating my tongue with its sour taste. I opened my eyes, only to discover that nothing was holding me down now, and that while I was still surrounded by darkness, I no longer felt a bone shattering weight pressing down on me from all sides. The strange noise in my ears had disappeared, making the world completely silent. I looked around, and noticed a figure walking towards me.

“What are you doing here? You’re still so young,” They murmured. Their voice was soft, but it still caused me jump at the sudden sound. I could not make out any of the person’s features, aside from their bright amber eyes, because their face was hidden behind a cream-colored scarf that matched the robes they were wearing. Those amber eyes, however, were captivating.

I returned the figure’s gaze, bewildered and scared. I opened my mouth hesitantly, “I—I don’t know...Where am I?” I rasped.

The figure’s gaze grew sorrowful. “You are on a journey. However, it is one that you should not be on right now,” they explained.

“I’m looking for someone. Have you seen anyone else in this place?” I asked.

“I have seen many individuals here over time, and I have always acted as their guide. I have seen who you are searching for as well, and I can take you to them, if that is what you wish.” They gestured for me to come closer, and I did. “However, please know that once we leave this place, there is no returning.”

I tilted my head in confusion. “Who are you?” I asked. It was a question that had been burning inside of me since this person had arrived. What were they doing here? How had they seen so many other people, if I had not seen another soul since I had arrived? “And what do you mean by ‘there is no returning’?”

“You may call me Ayla. I am here to help you, but only if you will let me, and only if you feel this is a journey you must undertake now,” the figure explained. I nodded in understanding. “Come then, we have a long way left to go in order to reach who you seek.”

Ayla turned and walked away from me, but with each step they left behind a shining white footprint. I stared at the mark in awe, only to be broken from my trance by the footsteps fading into the darkness. Then I looked up and noticed that Ayla was already several yards ahead of me.

“Wait!” I called roughly, following close behind them
 
***
 
I trailed after Ayla for what felt like an eternity, but I did not complain. I trusted that they would help me find who I was looking for. The cream-clad figure always stayed three feet ahead of me, and they grew hazy even when they were that close. Their footsteps, however, made it so that even if I lost sight of Ayla, I could still be guided by them.

My limbs began to grow fatigued, and once more I started to slow down. My movements grew sluggish, and I felt as though I were dragging boulders behind me. I glanced forward, noticing that Ayla had stopped and was staring back at me, observing in silence with a look of pleading on their face. I wanted to call out for help, but somehow I knew that my leaden bones could not be pulled along by anyone aside from myself. I started to dig my feet into the strange ground beneath us, and I forced myself to continue walking despite my exhaustion.

Ayla watched on in silence, and soon I felt less heavy. I no longer thought that I was dragging myself along with each step; instead I felt weightless.

My guide then turned their back on me and walked onward. I raced to catch up with them, but just as I began to walk alongside Ayla, they stopped and looked ahead of us at the golden light I had been journeying towards.

“You are past the point of no return...There is nothing left to hold you back now,” they said before gesturing in front of them. The light was growing more intense, and I felt myself being drawn towards it. “Go, they are waiting for you in the light.”

I wanted to thank them for leading me. I wanted to tell them how much their guidance had helped me, but no words could appropriately express my gratitude. Instead, I dipped my head. Ayla nodded in return, though there was a somberness in their eye, one that I did not understand. Then, they turned on their heel and walked away, back into the darkness they had come from. This time no footprints appeared behind them

I watched Ayla walk away until they disappeared from view. Part of me longed to follow them into the darkness; I had missed the comfort of another being after my vigil spent waiting for you, but I pushed the feeling away. I then looked back towards the golden light, where I knew you would be waiting for me.

I saw you inside of the light, and you noticed me staring at you.

I rushed forward, into the golden light, and I stopped a mere foot away from you. I stared at you, and feelings of love, excitement, and happiness crashed over me. You watched me with different emotions, though. Pity, sympathy, and sorrow all returned my affectionate looks. I grew bewildered. Why were you unhappy to see me?

Reaching forward, I noticed that you did not lean towards me like you usually did; you simply waited for my touch. Once I reached where you were supposed to be though, I realized why you looked so somber.

When I reached out to touch your warm, soft skin I felt nothing.

You felt nothing when I reached out to caress you, because there was nothing touching you.

A wave of agony crashed over me as I moved forward to try to embrace you. I tried to hold you in my arms, but I had no arms to embrace you with, just like you had no body for me to embrace. I could not feel you, like this. I would never feel you again.

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