Diary
Nicolas Caulel
CharactersHARMONY, mid-20s
ALEC, late-20s.
Scene opens with HARMONY sitting alone reading a magazine in the living room. The door opens. ALEC walks in with his blazer over his shoulder.
ALEC: Hey, honey!
HARMONY: . . . Hi.
ALEC frowns slightly and shuts the door behind him.
ALEC: Is something wrong?
HARMONY: Nope.
ALEC: Really? You seem kind of distant.
HARMONY: Well—nothing’s wrong.
ALEC: [Hesitantly] Okay. [Looks at magazine in her hands.] Weren’t you reading that since I left this morning?
HARMONY: Alec—how long have we been dating?
ALEC: What?
HARMONY: How long have we been dating?
ALEC: Going on three years?
HARMONY: Shouldn’t you know by now I’m a slow reader?
ALEC: Uh . . .
HARMONY: I’m barely halfway finished with that copy of The Fountainhead you bought me last Christmas. I just thought you might have picked up on these things after living together for so long. You know, if you cared.
ALEC: [Pauses] Okay.
ALEC walks to the bedroom to hang up his blazer. He walks back into the living room.
HARMONY: What took you so long to get home?
ALEC: [Hesitant] The boss had me stay later than usual. Thank God for overtime, right?
HARMONY: Really?
ALEC: Yep.
HARMONY: Oh, so is that why when I called him a half-hour ago, he said you asked him to leave early—and did?
ALEC: Look, I—
HARMONY: You don’t have to say anything. I don’t need an explanation. In fact, there’s something more important I wanted to talk to you about.
ALEC: Really? What?
HARMONY: [Tapping finger on magazine] You know, Alec, there are a lot of great articles in here that I think you’d find interesting.
ALEC: Really? That’s more important?
HARMONY: Absolutely. “Twenty-One Ways to Look Good in a Bikini,” “What Your Favorite Dessert Says About Your Sex Life,” “How to Succeed in Romance Without Really Tindering.”
ALEC: Ha! You know me so well.
HARMONY: But I think the one you’ll like most is “Signs he was checking out your sister at her wedding a year ago.”
ALEC freezes. He opens his mouth as if about to say something, but no words immediately come out.
ALEC: What?
HARMONY: Did I stutter?
ALEC: [Scoffs] I don’t know what you’re talking about.
HARMONY: Really?
HARMONY lets the Cosmopolitan magazine fall to her lap, revealing a little brown book opened in her hands.
HARMONY: Now do you know what I’m talking about?
ALEC: Where did you get that?
HARMONY: You know very well I where I got it: under the top corner of our mattress on your side of the bed.
ALEC: Harmony, I—
HARMONY: [Reading from book] ‘September 21st, 2015: I never noticed how hot Harmony’s sister is. Maybe it’s because she was married today and is officially off the market, but I can’t help but think I should have done more thinking before I chose one over the other.’
ALEC: Listen, I—
HARMONY: [Flips to another page, again reading from book] ‘February 3rd, 2016: Thank God Harmony didn’t notice the white under my fingernails. If she did, I would have just said it was the baby powder I used for my socks, but she has a way with sussing out the truth. But even if she did find out, I mean, it’s better I’m fooling around with nose candy than something worse. I mean, once Chuck in accounting had his first time with heroin, he ruined his life by doing anything for a needle of that floor polish.’
ALEC: I quit a long time ago! Like you don’t have any secr—
HARMONY: [Flips page again] ‘April 15th, 2017: Harmony needs to shave! I swear, when my legs brush against hers in bed, it feels like I’m lying with another man. I swear, she might as well burn all her bras, chop off all her hair, and start yelling at people about the wage gap and the patriarchy.’ [Looks to ALEC] Are you serious?
ALEC begins to smirk.
HARMONY: What are you smiling about?
ALEC: Well, I can’t but wonder: did you get to the last entry?
HARMONY: I didn’t. Tell me: what does it say? That you’ve been wanting to sleep with my mother? That those five pounds I’ve put on make me a fatass? That you gave Chuck twenty bucks for a sexual favor?
ALEC: [Still smirking] Take a look.
HARMONY flips to the last entry.
HARMONY: [Reading aloud mockingly] ‘Today’s the day. My old life is over. When I come home from work and tell her, she’ll be bawling her eyes out. I can’t wait to see her face when I say we won’t be dating anymore.’ [Looks up.] Why wou—
HARMONY freezes as her eyes come into contact with a diamond ring.
ALEC: [Kneels] There was a reason I was late coming home.
HARMONY covers her mouth with her hands. Tears begin to ruin her mascara.
ALEC: I’ve never been happier that you’re a slow reader.
CURTAIN
Nicolas Caudel is pursuing a Baccalaureate of English.