Written by Seth Knievel

Spotlights come up on ERNIE SR, and BERT SL, each on a swivel stool facing the audience on their cell phones. Unlit, COVID is on a swivel stool on the SL platform, back to the audience. TRISTAN/ERNIE now wears a bandage on his now (and for remainder of performance until finale).

BERT
I’m excited to finally meet you in person tonight, the Zoom dates were fun but nothing like getting to be with you in person.

ERNIE
I bet we’ll have a great time. And who knows? Maybe after dinner we could . . . (raises his eyebrows seductively despite the fact that this is a phone call).

BERT
…we could what?

ERNIE
(Realizing) Oh, I meant, like…you know

BERT
(Impatiently) Fuck? Are you talking about sex?

ERNIE
Ugh, yes.

Both laugh.

BERT
You can just say you want to fuck me, man, I don’t mind

ERNIE
You don’t?

BERT
No, I think it’s cute. (Beat) So…what else do you want to do to me?

ERNIE
Oh, so many things.

BERT
Yeah daddy?

ERNIE
Always babe. We’ll do, um, the sex.

BERT
Ok.

ERNIE
Um, Kissing. We could, like…um, kiss while having sex?

BERT
You don’t do dirty talk very often do you?

ERNIE
Never.

Both laugh.

BERT
It’s not hard. Well, I mean, some parts of it are hard but that’s kinda the point.

ERNIE
Good one

BERT
See what I mean? It’s natural. Just close your eyes, and tell me what you imagine yourself doing to me.

ERNIE
(Closes eyes, pause) Ok. So I imagine we’re kissing

BERT
(Eyes closed) Yeah, I like that

COVID turns to face front, listening in.

ERNIE
I slide my tongue down your throat.

BERT
Fuck yeah daddy.

ERNIE
And we’re so deep in there.

BERT
(Eyes opening) Hey, wait, wait. Stop. We?

ERNIE
What?

BERT
Who is deep in me? You said we?

ERNIE
Oh, just COVID-19 and me. You don’t mind if I bring him along, do you?

BERT
Pardon fuck?

ERNIE
Sorry, COVID is staying in my house right now and I figured I would just bring him along tonight. He’s hot though, you’ll like him!

BERT
He’s hot? What the hell does that even mean.

ERNIE
My roommate said that when she had him, she was so hot the whole time. Her sheets were covered in sweat! You should have seen her in the mornings, completely ravaged.

BERT
So, he’s just going to join us for the date tonight? Even in bed?

ERNIE
Yeah, he really gets around. So many couples I know have had him, he’s super experienced!

BERT
Well, I mean, I am on PrEP, I guess we could try it.

ERNIE
You mean it?

BERT
Yeah, could be hot. I’ll try anything once.

ERNIE
I can loop him into the phone call here, if you want? Maybe we can take a vibe check and have him join us in the dirty talk?

BERT
OK, sure.

ERNIE
COVID? Hey, can you hear us?

Lights up on COVID.

COVID
Evening Boys! Did someone say dirty talk?

ERNIE
Yeah, we’ve been talking about some sick stuff man.

BERT
Where were we, ERNIE?

ERNIE
(Sensual) I was kissing you, feeling your lips on mine.

BERT
(Closing his eyes again, excited) Yeah.

COVID
It feels so much better without the masks, I can feel your breath on me.

ERNIE
It’s a different sensation without protection, isn’t that what they say?

COVID
Oh yeah, fuck man!

BERT
(Unsure, eyes back open) Yeah…?

ERNIE
Then I start to take your clothes off, so I can see all of your big muscles.

BERT
That sounds nice.

ERNIE
(Quicker pace) And you’re gonna be sore once we’re done, those big muscles will be so tired out. You’ll definitely walk funny the next day.

COVID
If you can get out of bed at all, that is!

BERT
Umm…?

ERNIE
I slide in,

COVID/ERNIE
Can you feel me growing inside you?

ERNIE
And once I get going babe, I’m gonna rearrange your fucking guts.

COVID
(Moans) Your lungs, heart, and kidneys might never work the same again.

ERNIE
And when I get close, I’ll moan your name and finish inside you so I can be part of you even after I go.

COVID
I’ll be here even after he goes.

BERT
Oh.

ERNIE
But I’m not someone to hit it and quit it, you know?

COVID
I’ll always be a part of you.

BERT
Um. You know, I’m thinking maybe we should cancel tonight.

ERNIE
Babe, seriously?? Why! Was it something I said?

COVID
Was it something ERNIE said???

BERT
No, no, guys stop! It’s not ERNIE’s fault. Honestly, COVID, I just kinda don’t like your energy. I don’t want you in my bed, or my house even.

ERNIE
Well, I can’t go anywhere without him for another week or so…

BERT
Then maybe you shouldn’t go anywhere, you know, for another week or so?

ERNIE
It’s not a death sentence.

BERT
How do you know that?

ERNIE
Honestly, it’s not that big of a deal. And I don’t want to be alone with him. Can you blame me?

BERT
Yeah, I think I can.

ERNIE
Whatever, man, I don’t need a lecture. (Pause) So are we going to have sex tonight, or nah?

BERT doesn't answer. Lights fade.