Scene VI: Zoomies Part I

OPERATOR/CAT LADY takes stool and gets CAT HEAD. Sits with CAT HEAD on backwards, facing the audience (audience sees back of CAT HEAD).

ACTORS enter and take places for ZOOMIES.

Three separate areas (Zoom boxes): JUSTINE sits on a stool on USL platform, with TRISTAN in the background, waving a rainbow fan fabulously. ESSENTIAL WORKER is on a stool DSR, and ERNIE is on a stool on the USR platform. OPERATOR/CAT LADY transitions with her stool to the unlit DSL spot, puts on the CAT HEAD, backwards (she is facing audience, but we see the black back of the CAT HEAD).

Scene begins in B.O.
JUSTINE starts ridiculous laughter, others join in.
LX up.

ERNIE
So . . . anyone do anything lately?

JUSTINE
I put on pants today.

TRISTAN
(Pops head in, wearing a shirt, boxers, and shoes.) And I put on BOTH shoes!

ERNIE
I remembered to eat breakfast today

ESENTIAL WORKER
I waded through the existential dread as I pondered the meaning of life and our purpose in this world if we are not defined by our jobs.

ALL
What?

ESSENTIAL WORKER
I applied for unemployment.

TRISTAN
(Pops head in) I’ll drink to that!

All hold up different types of drinks: Red Solo Cup, Tall Glass, Water Bottle, Wine Glass,  etc.

SFX: Zoom entrance “Ding”

OPERATOR/CAT LADY turns on her stool, so we see the front of the CAT HEAD (she now has her back to the audience). OPERATOR/CAT LADY is unaware that there is anything wrong. Everyone stares forward, as if looking at OPERATOR/CAT LADY.

OPERATOR/CAT LADY
Oh my gosh! Hey everyone! I’m so sorry I was late, I got caught up with the most frustrating caller.

JUSTINE
(Quietly) Here kitty, kitty, kitty . . .

OPERATOR/CAT LADY
(Realizing) What?!? Oh shot, I was playing around with filters last time. Damn. How do I get rid of this? (Tries in vain but can’t get rid of the filter)

JUSTINE
I don’t MEOW, but I MEOW MEOW, MEOW think you should MEOW it. (Meow game)

OPERATOR/CAT LADY
What?

ESSENTIAL WORKER
Definitely keep MEOW! It MEOW MEOW MEOW.

OPERATOR/CAT LADY
Come on guys, clearly I’m not a cat!

ERNIE starts singing Meow Mix Song, after JUSTINE and ESSENTIAL WORKER join in. TRISTAN meows annoyingly under the tune.

OPERATOR/CAT LADY
(Frustrated) I’m just gonna sign in under my roommate’s account. I’m not gonna be a cat this entire call.

OPERATOR/CAT LADY Turns on stool to leave. Removes mask.

JUSTINE
Do what you gotta do.

ERNIE
So . . . anyone do anything lately?

ESSENTIAL WORKER
Tristan, didn’t you have a date?

ERNIE
A date? But . . .? I thoughts . . . (Indicates JUSTINE and confusion)

JUSTINE
Oh no! We’re just roommates!

ERNIE
But the . . . (referring to their shared last name)

TRISTAN
It’s just a coincidence, the last name/

JUSTINE
/But it’s fun to mess with people.

SFX: Zoom entrance “Ding”

OPERATOR/CAT LADY re-enters, without CAT HEAD.

ESSENTIAL WORKER
Tell us about the date!

OPERATOR/CAT LADY
Date?!? You’re dating? Like in person?

TRISTAN
Well. No, we were going to meet, but it was a bit of a bust. (Pause). Not that either of us got to bust. Yeah, not for me.

There is a collective sigh of disappointment at the loss of an interesting bit of gossip.

TRISTAN (con’t)
(To JUSTINE): Oh, but remember that time that guy said he was using tarot cards to determine who was safe to meet with? He said he wouldn’t meet me because he drew the three of swords when I asked.

JUSTINE
(Holding up her beverage) To dating during a pandemic!

All hold up assorted beverages for a toast.

TRISTAN
I’ll drink to that!

All drink. OPERATOR/CAT LADY is holding a CORONA BEER for the toast. After she drinks gets a weird look on her face.

OPERATOR/CAT LADY
What the hell?!? This tastes like fish . . . (takes out SMALL KING CAKE BOX, eat a bite). This tastes like fish too . . . (takes out CRISPY BIRD, pulls out a CHICKEN NUGGET and eats it. It also tastes like fish). Why does everything taste like fish?!? I finally get my taste back, and everything tastes like fish . . .

ESSENTIAL WORKER
Are you sure you aren’t the one who just went on a date?

All laugh.

OPERATOR/CAT LADY is about to respond when there is a loud “SNEEZE” and THE NOSE appears on the CENTER PROJECTION screen, close up, Zoom-bombing the group.

ALL
(Ad lib): What the Fuck? What the hell? Is that a Zoom-bomber? Is that a Nose?!?

TRISTAN
Wait! That’s my Nose!

TRISTAN Gets up, jumps off the platform and runs across stage and through the HL audience aisle, toward TECH BOOTH/Back of the House where THE NOSE is live streaming. THE NOSE does a few more sneezes/grunts/sounds and playing to the camera.

Video and LX OUT as TRISTAN enters the AUDIENCE.