Advertisement #1: Tests you want to fail

UNPAID INTERN enters from SR, taking D'LECTURE'S stool with her back to the audience. She makes a big deal of laying down a garbage bag. During the following V.O. she pulls STICK TESTS out of various places, all action exaggerated.

EMORY CORK:
Did you pee on your COVID test?

(Back to the audience, UNPAID INTERN pulls a test out from between her legs, shows to the side for the audience.)

Stick your pregnancy test up your nose?

(Pulls test from her nose.)

Are you having trouble keeping track of all these home tests?

(Pulls tests out of everywhere we can think of, so there are 4-5 tests fanned out in each hand.)

Now introducing W.D.C., the ALL-IN-ONE-EVERYTHING-AT-ONCE HOME TEST!

(UNPAID INTERN turns around, showing off W.D.C. with a twinkle in her eye. Continues to show off test with flaring hand gestures through remainder.)

COVID, pregnancy, paternity – and for a bonus, HIV!
The test that will give you negative results every time – even when you’re positive!
W.D.C., because if you don’t care, we don’t either!

(Spoken more seriously and somewhat faster, disclaimer) From the founders of Theranos, we know how to combine shit that don’t work.

(THE NOSE runs from HR audience to USR stage exit. Stops briefly at seeing UNPAID INTERN, takes one of her tests, and runs off.)