LEAVING HOME, FINDING HOME: Stories By South Asian Women Within The US

Subhasree's Story

Subhasree Goswami

One hell of an experience !!

My typical transition to living away from home began during my undergrad (2006-2010) but then I could be back home once in a month and on rough times it would be twice as well.  Basically, at the back of my mind, I always knew “home was 4 hours away”.

When I finally got admission into Oklahoma State University and it was time to actually leave home, I froze. I went through a myriad of emotions all gurgling into my stomach. I asked these questions over and over again as I felt my pillows getting wet from my tears rumbling down. Am I happy? Am I doing the right thing? Can I ever be back again? Will my parents forget me? Will my hometown be still the same when I return?

That 23-year-old mustered all the courage and stepped into the other side of the world that was waiting for her with open arms (at least that’s what she imagined). Honestly, I was accepted with so much warmth, got some amazing friends (rather some amazing souls) here, faced some monstrous moments and above all faced a new “me”.

This “me” was different. Leaving home made me realize my inner beast is ready to face the world. And that feeling continues to grow with each passing day because it never gets easier. I felt obsessively homesick on days and howling my heart out made me lighter. Although I knew, if I need a cup of tea to recover my throat from the immense cry, I had to do it myself. 

OSU is second home to me. I swear by my word because I have seen what family away from family looks like. I had an amazing boyfriend (now husband J) who stepped into the role of my guardian, buddy, lover blah blah blah. And then I had friends who were “constants” when I needed them the most… mmmmm basically all the time. But, I believe graduating out of OSU and meeting the real adult world was challenging at first. Now, I run the same race as all. Sometimes lonely or sometimes with my mate. Beating blues of each day with one Facetime video with Ma Baba.

I guess leaving home was never easy. Nor it is now. Not even when you’re on vacation. I hate “tata bye bye” moments, I can’t watch my family cry every time. Yet I leave, every time. Does that make me selfish and a hypocrite?

 

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  1. One thing this quarantine time has taught me is that my family are incredibly important to me. And the feeling of not being able to see them was truly one of the hardest things I had to deal with. For me, the feelings Subhasree has described here could not be more similar. She must be so strong to handle that for years, and even more inspiring to tell others about that feeling, as it's not nearly talked about enough.
  2. Thanks Kate ! I think we’re so busy being armored every moment that we’re afraid to be vulnerable.

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