Mark Twain's Standrede für Uncle Sam | 26 March 1899
Der Deutsche correspondent. [volume] (Baltimore, Md.), 26 March 1899. Chronicling America: Historic American Newspapers. Lib. of Congress. <https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn83045081/1899-03-26/ed-1/seq-2/>
This article is a shortened version of Mark Twain's text "Diplomatical Pay and Clothes", originally published in The Forum magazine. Wheather Twain, as mentioned by the article, used this text as a basis for a speech, is unclear [edit]. The comparison below is based on the text as it was published in The Forum (March 1899, 24-32).
Key to annotations on German translations of Mark Twain's original texts
| Transcription | English Translation |
|---|---|
| Mark Twain's Standrede für Uncle Sam | Mark Twain's warning speech to Uncle Sam |
| Amerika's größer Humorist. Mark Twain, lebt schon seit Jahren in Europa, vorzugsweise in Wien. Dort hat er sich eine tüchtige Kenntniß der deutschen Sprache angeeignet, und es ist schon geraume Zeit her, daß er das Deutsche zum letzten Male verspottet hat. Dort hielt er kürzlich bei einem Diplomatenmahle dem Uncle Sam eine gediegene Standrede. Wir haben ja wiederholt dasselbe gesagt, aber Mark Twain's Wort reicht jedenfalls weiter. | {America's greatest humorist. Mark Twain has been living in Europe for years, preferably in Vienna. It was there that he acquired a proficient knowledge of the German language, and it has been some time since he last ridiculed German. He recently gave a dignified speech to Uncle Sam at a diplomatic banquet there. We have said the same thing repeatedly, but Mark Twain's word certainly carries more weight.} |
| Der berühmte Humorist hatte sich ein Thema gewählt, in welchem sehr wenig Humor ist, nämlich die armselige Bezahlung unserer Diplomaten und Konsuln. | {The famous humorist had chosen a subject with very little humor, namely the poor pay of our diplomats and consuls.} |
| Eigentlich braucht eine Republik im Zeitalter des Telegraphen gar keine Botschafter und Gesandten, aber wir haben sie und sind fortwährend darauf bedacht, ihre Titel zu erhöhen, mit den Mitteln bleibt es aber bei'm Alten. | {Actually, a republic in the age of the telegraph does not need ambassadors and envoys, but we have them and are constantly anxious to increase their titles, but their funds remain the same.} |
| Mark Twain sagte im Laufe seiner Rede: „Als kürzlich die angeregte Umgestaltung mehrerer amerikanischer Gesandtschaften in Botschaften verlautbar wurde, begegnete dieselbe überall freudiger Aufnahme. Ja. wir sollten an allen großen Höfen der Welt Botschafter haben, nicht Gesandte, zur größeren Ehre unseres Landes, zum Heile unseres Handels. | {Mark Twain said over the course of his speech:} “We made a great deal of valuable advance when we instituted the office of ambassador. <That lofty rank endows its possessor with several times as much influence, consideration, and effectiveness as the rank of minister bestows.> For the sake of the country’s dignity and for the sake of her advantage commercially, we should have ambassadors, not ministers, at the great courts of the world. |
| Ja, aber nicht zu den jetzt bezahlten Gehältern! | But not at present salaries! |
| Wenn wir diese Gehälter beibehalten, dann ist es viel besser, wir machen alle Botschafter wieder zu Gesandten. Eine hohe Stellung bekleiden, ohne die Mittel zu haben, sie zu erhalten, ist Unsinn. Um seinem Lande nützlich zu sein, muß der Repräsentant mit allen einflußreichen und offiziellen Persönlichkeiten auf dem besten Fuße stehen, er muß in Gesellschaft, er darf nicht zu Hause sitzen, das wär ungeschäftlich, das brächte keine Butter in die Pfanne. Er muß zu Diners, Soupers, Banketten, Bällen, Empfängen, und er muß alle diese Aufmerksamkeiten erwidern. Zum Mindesten so gut, wie er sie empfängt. Nun denn, haben wir je, seit Franklins Zeiten, einen Botschafter oder Gesandten gehabt, der das aus seinem Gehalt hätte bestreiten können? Nie, kein einziges Mal. Andere Länder begreifen die commerzielle Wichtigkeit des glanzvollen Auftretens ihrer Vertreter, wir leider nicht. Großbritannien ist die erfolgreichste Handelsnation der Welt, und sie läßt es sich wohl angelegen sein, daß es ihren commerziellen Thurmwächtern an Nichts fehlt. Hier ist die List der Gehälter der verschiedenen englischen und amerikanischen Botschafter und Gesandten: | No; if we are to maintain present salaries, let us make no more ambassadors; and let us unmake those we have already made. The great position, without the means of respectably maintaining it - there could be no wisdom in that. A foreign representative, to be valuable to his country, must be on good terms with the officials of the capital and with the rest of the influential folk. He must mingle with this society; he cannot sit at home - it is not business, it butters no commercial parsnips. He must attend the dinners, banquets, suppers, balls, receptions, and must return these hospitalities. He should return as good as he gets, too, <for the sake of the dignity of his country, and for the sake of Business.> Have we ever had a minister or an ambassador who could do this on his salary? No - not once, from Franklin’s time to ours. Other countries understand the commercial value of properly lining the pockets of their representatives; but apparently our Government has not learned it. England is the most successful trader of the several trading nations; and she takes good care of the watchmen who keep guard in her commercial towers. <It has been a long time, now, since we needed to blush for our representatives abroad. It has become custom to send our fittest. We send men of distinction, cultivation, character - our ablest, our choicest, our best. Then we cripple their efficiency through the meagreness of their pay.> Here is a list of salaries for English and American ministers and ambassadors: |
| Amerikanische: Englische: Paris ........... $17,500 $45,000 Berlin .......... 17,500 40,000 Wien ............ 12,000 40,000 Constantinopel .. 10,000 40,000 St. Petersburg .. 17,500 39,000 Rom ............ 12,000 35,000 | City Salaries American: English: Paris ........... $17,500 $45,000 Berlin .......... 17,500 40,000 Vienna ............ 12,000 40,000 Constantinople ... 10,000 40,000 St. Petersburg .. 17,500 39,000 Rome ............ 12,000 35,000 |
| Dabei ist noch zu berücksichtigen, daß die englischen Botschafter keine Hausmiethe bezahlen, sie leben in Palästen, die England gehören. Unsere Vertreter müssen aus den Gehältern noch die Miethe bezahlen. Man kann sich denken, in was für Häusern sie wohnen und was für Unterhaltungen sie geben. | <Sir Julian Pauncefote, the English ambassador at Washington, has a very fine house besides - at no damage to his salary.> {Additionally, we have to consider that} English ambassadors pay no house rent; they live in palaces owned by England. Our representatives pay house-rent out of their salaries. You can judge by the above figures what kind of houses the United States of America has been used to living in abroad, and what sort of return-entertaining she has done. <There is not a salary in our list which would properly house the representative receiving it, and, in addition, pay $3,000 toward his family’s bacon and doughnuts - the strange but economical and customary fare of the American ambassador’s household, except on Sundays, when petrified Boston crackers are added.> |
| Die Botschafter und Gesandten anderer Mächte haben nicht nur hohe Gehälter, sondern erhalten noch Extrazulagen für Festlichkeiten etc. In Amerika sind derlei Zulagen höchstens bei der Flotte gebräuchlich, die denn auch der einzige Zweig ist, der uns in fremden Landen würdig repräsentirt. Die armen amerikanischen Botschafter sind gezwungen, die ihnen erwiesenen Ehren so zu erwidern, wie sie eben können. Statt Champagner geben sie Limonade, für Wildpret Schinken, für Walfische Sardinen und für Liqueure condensirte Milch. Statt einer Phalanx livrirter und gepuderter Lakaien findet man ein Stubenmädel, statt der prachtvollen Dekorationen eine amerikanische Flagge um den Ofen gewunden, statt eines Orchesters singen die Mitglieder des Hauses Balladen am Klavier, statt eines Balles - gar Nichts, denn den geben sie überhaupt nicht, weil sie keinen Platz haben, es wäre denn, sie wohnen auf dem Dache. Das klingt vielleicht wie Uebertreibung, aber ich könnte Beispiele anführen. | The ambassadors and ministers of foreign nations not only have generous salaries, but their Governments provide them with money wherewith to pay a considerable part of their hospitality bills. I believe our Government pays no hospitality bills except those incurred by the navy. Through this concession to the navy, that arm is able to do us credit in foreign parts; <and certainly that is well and politic. But why the Government does not think it well and politic that our diplomats should be able to do us like credit abroad is one of those mysterious inconsistencies which have been puzzling me ever since I stopped trying to understand baseball and took up statesmanship as a pastime. To return to the matter of house-rent. Good houses, properly furnished, in European capitals, are not to be had at small figures. Consequently, our foreign representatives have been accustomed to live in garrets - sometimes on the roof. Being poor men, it has been the best they could do on the salary which the Government has paid them. How could they adequately return the hospitalities shown them? It was impossible. It would have exhausted the salary in three months. Still, it was their official duty to entertain their influentials after some sort of fashion; and they> {our poor foreign representatives} did the best they could with their limited purse. In return for champagne they furnished lemonade; in return for game they furnished ham; in return for whale they furnished sardines; in return for liquors they furnished condensed milk; in return for the battalion of liveried and powdered flunkeys they furnished the hired girl; in return for the fairy wilderness of sumptuous decorations they draped the stove with the American flag; in return for the orchestra they furnished zither and ballads by the family; in return for the ball - but they didn’t return the ball, except in cases where the United States lived on the roof and had room. Is this an exaggeration? {I could give examples} <It can hardly be called that. I saw nearly the equivalent of it, a good many years ago. A minister was trying to create influential friends for a project which might be worth ten millions a year to the agriculturists of the Republic; and our Government had furnished him ham and lemonade to persuade the opposition with. The minister did not succeed. He might not have succeeded if his salary had been what it ought to have been - $50,000 or $60,00 a year - but his chances would have been very greatly improved. And in any case, he and his dinners and his country would not have been joked about by the hard-hearted and pitied by the compassionate. Any experienced ‘drummer’ will testify that, when you want to do business, there is no economy in ham and lemonade. The drummer takes his country customer to the theatre, the opera, the circus; dines him, wines him, entertains him all the day and all the night in luxurious style; and plays upon his human nature in all seductive ways. For he knows, by old experience, that this is the best way to get a profitable order out of him. He has this reward. All Governments except our own play the same policy, with the same end in view; and they, also, have their reward. But ours refuses to do business by business ways, and sticks to ham and lemonade. This is the most expensive diet known to the diplomatic service of the world.> |
| Wenn wir arm wären, dann könnten sich solche Spartheorie'n noch erklären, man würde wenigstens eine plausible Entschuldigung für sie finden. Aber wir sind nicht arm. Wir haben Botschafter in London und Paris, die so leben, wie es den Vertretern einer Macht, wie der unserigen gebührt, aber nicht mit ihrem Gehalt von $17,500, nein, es kostet sie $100,000 jährlich, die sie aus eigener Tasche bezahlen. Warum sollen wir Das erlauben? Es ist nicht „fair.“ Die Republik ist kein Wohlthätigkeits-Subjekt. Sagen wir es gerade heraus. Die Gehälter sollten statt $12,000 - $50.000 sein, und wo sie jetzt $17.500 sind, sollten sie $75,000, oder vielmehr mit Wohnungszuschlag $100,000 sein, die Summe, die man den Friedens-Commissären bezahlt hat. | <Ours is the only country of first importance that pays its foreign representatives trifling salaries.> If we were poor, we could not find great fault with these economies, perhaps - at least one could find a sort of plausible excuse for them. But we are not poor; and the excuse fails. <As shown above, some of our important diplomatic representatives receive $12,000; others, $17,500. These salaries are all ham and lemonade, and unworthy of the flag.> When we have a rich ambassador in London or Paris, he lives as the ambassador of a country like ours ought to live, and it costs him $100,000 a year to do it. But why should we allow him to pay that out of his private pocket? There is nothing fair about it; and the Republic is no proper subject for any one’s charity. In several cases our salaries of $12,000 should be $50,000; and all of the salaries of $17,500 ought to be $75,000 or $100,000, since we pay no representative’s house-rent. {This would equal the sum payed to the Peace Commissoners} <Our State Department realises the mistake which we are making, and would like to rectify it, but it has not the power.> |
| Wenn ein junges Mädchen das Alter von 18 Jahren erreicht, wird sie als Dame anerkannt. Sie verlängert ihre Kleider um sechs Zoll, flicht die hängenden Zöpfe auf und steckt sie zu eleganter Frisur zusammen, sie schläft nicht mehr mit ihrer kleinen Schwester, sondern krigt ihr eignes Zimmer und wird in vielen anderen Beziehungen eine sehr kostspielige Person. Aber sie ist jetzt in Gesellschaft, und der Papa muß sich Das leisten, er kann es nicht vermeiden. So geht es mit unserer großen Republik. Sie hat im vergangenen Jahre ihr Röckchen länger gemacht, ihr Haar aufgesteckt und hat die Gesellschaft der Welt betreten. Das bedeutet, daß, wenn es ihr gut gehen soll und sie in der Gesellschaft beliebt sein will, sie viele ihrer süßen Kindergewohnheiten und Vorurteile ablegen und es so machen muß, wie die Andern. Sie muß wissen, daß es jetzt Zeit ist, daß sie ihr Wesen ändert. Sie ist in Rom, und da muß man's eben machen, wie man's in Rom macht. Nicht zum Vortheile Rom's, nein, zu ihrem eigenen. | When a young girl reaches eighteen she is recognised as being a woman. She adds six inches to her skirt, she unplaits her dangling braids and balls her hair on top of her head, she stops sleeping with her little sister and has a room to herself, and becomes in many ways a thundering expense. But she is in society now; and papa has to stand it. There is no avoiding it. Very well. The Great Republic lengthened her skirts last year, balled up her hair, and entered the world’s society. This means that, if she would prosper and stand fair with society, she must put aside some of her dearest and darlingest young ways and superstitions, and do as society does. <Of course, she can decline if she wants to; but this would be unwise.> She ought to realise, now that she has ‘come out,’ that this is a right and proper time to change a part of her style. She is in Rome; and it has long been granted that when one is in Rome it is good policy to do as Rome does. To advantage Rome? No - to advantage herself. |
| Wenn unsere Regierung wirklich den Pariser Friedens-Commissären je $100,000 bezahlt hat, so ist das die beste Kapitalsanlage, welche die Nation in Jahren gemacht hat, denn es scheint unmöglich, daß mit diesem Präcedenzfall in den Büchern die Regierung fortfahren wird, so niedrige diplomatische Löhne zu zahlen.“ | If our Government has really paid representatives of ours on the Paris Commission $100,000 apiece for six weeks’ work, I feel sure that it is the best cash investment the nation has made in many years. For it seems quite impossible that, with that precedent on the books, the Government will be able to find excuses for continuing its diplomatic salaries at the present mean figure.” |