A Small Battle to others, a HUGE Battle to Me.
English 110/Professor Pringle
Essay: Literacy Narrative
Date: 9/18/12017
I couldn’t take it anymore. My jealousy overcame me. I started to doubt myself every day. I started to ask myself questions: how did my older sister pass the English second language exam and not me? Why was I placed in English Second Language (ESL) class for six years and she was not? These thoughts consumed me as my reading level decreased. By, my sister was at the highest reading level in her class. She began reading so well, her writing also improved. I was so jealous of her that it made me hate myself. I hated that I didn’t have potential. I hated that I was incapable. I hated that I wasn’t her. I wanted her brain, I wanted her skills, I wanted her confidence. I wanted to be her. But I couldn’t.
Growing up, I spoke Bengali. It took time and patience to adjust to English. My failure to speak and understand English caused my failure to read. I would pick up books of various colors and various sizes. Red and blue, thick and thin, short and long, big and small. I would then flip through the pages eagerly tracing my fingers and observing the key bolded words. I would pronounce the basic sounds of “ch” “sh” “wh” and “th,” so that I could try to say the whole word. I would create little images in my head trying to understand the basic setting and plot, while situating the characters and conflict. I would stop at the period at the end of each sentence to take a short pause. To reassess what I learned and understood - or rather, what I didn’t understand. The more I tried, the more frustrated I became with myself for not understanding what I was reading.
As a third grader, I was embarrassed about my reading level. My only wish was to be like my peers and my sister. The fact that reading levels went from A-Z and I was stuck at level K since second grade while my peers were on to higher levels of O and P destroyed me. I tried my best to improve by asking my teachers for help when I needed it the most, but I always failed at understanding the text. By the time I entered fourth grade, I was still stuck on level K. I tried furiously reading books, anything I could get my hands on. While my understanding was slowly improving, I realized I also lacked a connection to reading. I did not care about reading. I did not enjoy it. Not a single book I read caught my attention. Until one day, I came across one book that changed my view on reading: Katherine Paterson's Bridge to Therabethia.
As I flipped through the pages of the book, it was as if I was truly reading for the first time. The main characters of the book, Jessie Oliver and Leslie Burke, were two best friends who had an inspiring friendship. Leslie taught Jesse that life was about taking risks and trying your best to have fun. She not only was a mentor to Jesse, but also to me. Leslie helped me understand that sometimes in life, you have to block all the negativity, close your eyes, keep your mind open, and persevere to get to the other side. Like Jesse who was finally able to swing across the creek, I was finally able to find the fun in reading. I no longer feared being stuck at a low reading level but welcomed the challenge of moving to a higher one.
I realized that this book helped me understand that I didn't need to fit in with my peers or have the same attributes as my sister to be a better reader. I needed to be my own person. I needed to do things at my own pace. I needed to be those characters in the book. I needed to feel what they feel. And so, I did. As I built that mindset, I started to see a drastic change in fourth grade. My reading level went from a K all the way up to a P. Then, in sixth grade, I finally put an end to my ESL days.
In looking back, that like, I had also achieved the same end goal: passing the ESL exam. We were the same, and yet so different in both our battles. For my sister, being an ESL student taught her to be serious and thoughtful. My sister was able to find a love for writing and for helping others. Being in ESL taught her to strive for excellence, and to never stop questioning all that is around her. Today, she is a Neuroscience and Behavior major at Barnard College of Columbia University, and is on her way to becoming a scientist-physician who loves to read, write and think critically about the world.
On the other hand, being an ESL student taught me slightly different lessons. Being an ESL student taught me to not only read, but also to read books that were impactful and motivational. I not only learned to work harder, but also to step out of my comfort zone and take on challenges. The lesson of ESL stayed with me as I tackled Advanced Placement (AP) English Language and Composition during my junior year of high school. Taking AP English Language and Composition was a wise choice, because I learned about the power of rhetorical devices. They not only enhanced the quality of my writing, but also led to me to write better persuasive arguments. With rhetorical devices came my gradual use of shorter sentences. As I used shorter sentences to make my writing more concise, I found a new love for language. A love that I think has transcended the confines of English, leading me towards a new, exciting field: Computer Science.
As a freshman in college, I am eager to write papers, read compelling texts, and code my way to a brighter future. In doing so, I will always remember my battle with ESL and the steps of learning to read. I will remember the failure, the jealousy, and the insecurity that has made me who I am today. Today I stand as a person who wants to be challenged and critiqued. Today, I no longer want to be my sister, but my own woman: a woman who will never give up. A woman who is proud.
Today, I welcome both failure and success.
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- English 110 Portfolio Alyah Lima
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