One thing about me is that I always think everyone hates me because they did not reply to me in two minutes or they did not laugh at my jokes. Compensating social situations is a learned coping mechanism in response to always needing to prove myself. Although I am in my happy and healthy era, needing to establish how I am understood has not changed–for some reason, a little stutter here, and an intrusive thought there becomes a social crucifixion and the entire room has just gotten awkward. 

This feeling of needing to make up, or completely change one’s self else in order to be socially accepted or avoid being socially ostracized is a common feeling amongst most neurodivergent individuals. In recent study describes this as, “The other aspects of camouflaging centre around developing explicit strategies to meet the social and communication gaps resulting from an individual’s ASC, which we call compensation.” (Hull et al., 2017). Within the context of autistic spectrum conditions there is an unsaid expectation in conversation, and as these individuals have navigated situations, they acquired the skill of consciously making social decisions in real-time to compensate with neurotypicals; some respondents felt that in some situations interactions felt inauthentic. However, they would rather do this as opposed to feeling like the narcissists or avoiding any awkward silences. In relation to this project, I have also found myself trying to fill in gaps in order to appear as normal as possible. This has always been a response between not being enough of something, or may be revealing too much about myself. Within everyday interactions with neurotypical people, I never get to win. Rather than winning, I would rather just not want to be that guy.

I have always been someone that has needed to prove myself. In my undiagnosed manic era, I had to prove to myself three times: once for others, once for myself, and once just for the sake of proving that I was not lazy. Similar to what was written with in Hull et. al's article, I have experienced either consciously or unconsciously over-explain myself to others, so that they may understand exactly what I was talking about. Hull et. al, writes in the the article with situations of their respondents finding themselves not matching the overall cues of the room, and needing to respond appropriately.

“Many respondents noted that their preferred levels of emotional expression and body language did not match those of others around them, and so over-emphasised these behaviors in order to communicate better. This included non-verbal and verbal signs of interest in the interaction, which were also used to encourage others to continue speaking and so take the pressure off the ASC individual to respond appropriately.” (2017).

In tandem with trying to fit in normally in neurotypical settings, I tend to be passive in language when I give something like my opinion. This comes from the fear of the other person reacting negatively to my comments and needing to prove my own point, as if the point initially made was not valid enough, while also trying to jump the gun and immediately thinking the worst scenario possible (I made them feel in competent).

It happens in my workplace, as my job requires me to be reassuring, while also giving the student critical feedback. It becomes especially difficult when it is sensed that a student may not feel confident in their own writing. I would like to have students understand that their perceived “incompetence” is not a tell of who they are as a student. I have even adapted a method in giving feedback: compliment sandwich¹. when giving feedback to a student. I try to imagine the seat of the student, worried that their ideas are not valuable or that their writing is not good, I try to give them the extra validation just because I want the student to find themselves as someone who is capable, as opposed to this idea that nothing is ever good enough. Sometimes praise will end up just going overboard and it will almost sound inauthentic.

I have felt this incompetence first-hand, being that I was a student who used to flunk all of their classes because I was too anxious to tell professors I was having a hard time finishing assignments (I was not, incompetent I was just undiagnosed). 

1. Compliment Sandwich: A way to give critical feedback without just being critical. A praise, feedback, and a reiteration of the praise from the beginning.