Subconscious
August 2016 - November 2018
I came back to America after a summer away determined to liberate myself sexually. I wanted to conquer as many men as I could. At the time, I believed I was being hyper-aware of my presentation - I dress in a way that highlights my Asian-ness, at least just a tad, while counter-acting it with some sort of punk aesthetic. I don't flirt so much as try to be one of the boys and hope some charm exudes that way. This means being open, taking a joke, looking at other women. I knew what I wanted and it wasn't commitment of any kind.The first time I actually had sex in eight months, the second person I've ever had sex with, I was nervous. I couldn't tell if I actually wanted it or if I was forcing myself to. I didn't understand why my body would react so hesitantly to a situation I'd willingly put myself in. I didn't trust it to know what to do and it didn't trust me to know what I wanted. I don't think, even now, I'd be able to have sex with a new stranger sober.