The most famous phrase of Simone de Beauvoir alluded to all the oppression, submission and limitation that women have historically suffered: these are not products of the biological sex with which we are born, they are not natural, they are not determinant. We are women because we are made to be women, we think like "women" supposing this is the only way to do it, that there is no alternative. Wedding, children, fragile, sexy, are words that we have not managed to get rid of; not only because society attributes them to us, but because we have been taught to appropriate them. This is nothing new for any woman in the world. However, each region, each geographical area, each country even and, sometimes as it is my case, each city, can reproduce that cage with different bars.

Ciudad Juárez is, with Tijuana, one of the most important border cities in northern Mexico. Its proximity to the United States has always been a great attraction for internal national migration, and external migration from Central America. In addition, in the 60's and 70's the manufacturing industry took over the local economy. I was born in 1997: by then the first cases of femicide were already more than 10 years old. I did not know where I was born, I grew up being a middle class girl, I went to school, and I soon realized what it is to be a woman in Ciudad Juárez.

I was 7 years old when I first felt fear. A girl with whom I shared age and city had been murdered. The case was widely publicized not only because of the fact that the victim was a child, but because of the brutal signs of the violence she suffered. Try to imagine being me; I thought of many things. Television bombarded me with explicit and highly violent images, and soon it was no longer one case, but several cases. Throughout my childhood I heard more and more warnings or threats such as: "You have a very striking body", "if you dress like this you will end up being raped", "it is dangerous for you to be by yourself because you are a little woman". Again, fear invaded me and it was inevitable to wish to be a man. “Why wasn’t I born a man?”

I saw how the boys could go out to play without supervision, walk free and fearless in shorts or without a shirt. They did not have to take any precaution. It was then inescapable for me to think that men enjoy freedom because we women cannot. Something important to emphasize is that it is not that they do not take risks. In fact, Juárez was once classified as the "most dangerous city in the world", but I am talking about how in my city –and many other cities– women are deprived of certain rights just because they are women. As if there were privileges reserved only for the male sector of the population.

There are three peak moments in my life, which made me realize who I was, where I was standing, what I needed to prepare for and who I want to be. Each and every one of them are solely related to being a woman.

By the time I was 12 years old, two men close to me, in an isolated way and in constant occasions, had tried to abuse me. For the first case, it took me about 3 years to even think about telling my parents; regarding the second man, it took me more than 10 years to talk about it. Despite knowing that I always had the support of my family, I accepted abuse because I thought I deserved it, or at least it was something to be expected. I had been warned by other people before, I knew what was going to happen to me. My fear had become resignation, resignation towards what I had to live, what I had to endure. Containment was my solution: sitting with my legs closed, not going out in short shorts or skirts, even if I was still a girl. Just like me, the girls in my city have to learn fast how to be the women we need to be in order to survive in a world of men and for men. As the sociologist Pierre Bourdieu wrote in his book "Male domination": "Male domination is sufficiently well insured to not require justification", based on this and my experiences, I ask myself why should we hold on? Why, instead of educating us to respond to the wild, oppressive and violent man's habits, don’t they get educated to not touch us, to not cheat, to not lift our skirts, to not abuse us in any way?

When I was around 13 or 14 years old my dad took me to an event in which the Committee of Mothers and Relatives of Disappeared Daughters would have a talk. At that moment, when listening to the sadness and strength of those mothers, the fear that I had turned into courage. That day I realized that in Juarez there are many angry people, fed up with this situation. It was not just about the 7-year-old girl murdered and raped, it was not just about me, it was about all of us. It is about the woman who cannot use public transportation, the student who cannot go to school in dress, the young woman who cannot drink at a party, the girl who cannot go out alone. All of us are afraid of being raped, disappeared and/or murdered. The “holy trinity” of risks that we hear about every day. I always knew that I should not be afraid, that I had to be "canija" as my mom used to tell me, but even so I did not get that great fear out of my head that one of the three things mentioned above would happen to me. Yet I understood that my role as a woman in Ciudad Juárez was not to be a throw-away toy. My role is to be strong, fight, express myself, never be silent, never stop having hope to live in peace.

Quoting again Simone de Beauvoir "the problems of women have always been the problem of men", I remember one of the moments that continue to haunt me. While I was intensely debating with a classmate about why the term "femicide" should be considered in the penal code, two other students shouted at me "that's why they kill them!" Apparently their masculinity had been threatened by me. It should be noted that I study Law, that is, I was in a room full of future lawyers. It was disappointing to hear how the future jurists of my city saw the welfare of women as a luxury and not as a right. Apart of men being incapable of respecting us, they want to play at being Gods and choosing our lives: what we can and cannot do based on what they want to do with us. They still have the nerve to even think that they have the right to choose whether or not we are worthy of being considered as subjects safeguarded by law. To seek justice for women does not mean wanting to be treated with greater benefits than men –neither that we are fragile or cannot take care of ourselves, or that we want them to open the door, or that we want them to give us their seat on the bus. To seek justice for women simply means we all understand that our dignity is valid. There are accounts to settle and justice to be done.

When I say that I am from Ciudad Juárez, people automatically tell me "poor thing." No. I think being from Ciudad Juarez has put me in a more conscious situation of what I am facing and what I want to change. Until not so long ago I also said to myself "poor thing", "what a pity to be a woman here". No more. Since for each time I hear "that's why they kill them!" There will be two more who will answer "not one more!".

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Michell Moreno was born and raised in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, and she has experienced violence against women since childhood. She is currently a Law student at the Autonomous University of Ciudad Juárez.

Translation by Atenea Rosado.