The Self through Language
She doesn't particularly like being called by her name. In her mind, she seems so much more than that. "Amanda." It is ill-fitting. In her mind, she is nameless.
Amanda is female.
She responds to a she because that's what she's known all her life. She has the chromosomes and estrogen and a vagina that performs healthy menstruation every month. On the advice of a female magazine, when she was younger she looked at her vagina in the mirror and didn't like it. It is strange to her that she has a cavity covered by flaps of skin that aren't nicely pink like in the photos. She doesn't quite like her breasts either. The nipples are easily sensitive and a dark brown, which has been commented on before. She used to think they were too small, but then found them too inconvenient anyway. Now, she remains ambivalent.
Amanda is Singaporean.
Singapore is an island and a city-state run by the People's Action Party (PAP). It uses many acronyms, particularly for all the expressways. She has found its public transportation system unbeatable. It is an authoritarian environment even though the country calls itself a democracy. There has been only one ruling political party since its independence and Singapore's founding father Lee Kuan Yew was revered and had essentially remained in the political sphere until his recent death. It is capitalist and highly globalized. She likes laughing at the western tourists who arrive with their backpacks and elephant pants, gawking at how clean and civilized everything is. It is very patriarchal. There is only one space in the country to legally protest. Anyone stirring controversy immediately makes headlines in the online citizen journalist portal and national, government-associated newspaper. She despises that Lee Kuan Yew once offered a nationwide incentive for less educated mothers to sterilize themselves after two children. She hates that she can't buy a house unless she's married to a man.
Amanda is bisexual.
This is a narrative relating to sexual identity. She first started watching lesbian videos on YouTube when she was nine. It turned her on sometimes, but not as often as watching heterosexual porn, and she never thought anything of it. She has always found other females attractive, though this was simultaneously confused with feelings of jealousy, wanting to be them and having others gaze at her the way she gazed at them. She thinks she might've loved a girl once, or at least was very close to her and remembers a moment when she wanted very much to kiss her. She did, however, also regard this girl as her sister. Maybe now she imbues this relationship with more meaning to allow her to claim a bisexual identity without ever having been with a woman. She would like to, but she is a little afraid. This is a narrative that helps the self "perceive itself (and be perceived) to 'have' a particular sexual identity." [12]
Amanda is Chinese.
She speaks Mandarin, though not so fluently anymore. She watched Hong Kong dramas growing up. It says Chinese on her Singaporean identification. She took Chinese lessons where she learned about Chinese culture in the teahouses, as well as the history and traditions of Chinese New Year. When she was younger, her family bought her lanterns and she would celebrate Mid-Autumn Festival with mooncakes. Now in the United States, Amanda checks the box that says Asian. She bought a cheongsam to wear so others know who she is, but she would never have worn one in Singapore.
Amanda is tattooed.
Her first is a wolf running along the back of her right ear. Her second is a whale reaching down below her right ankle. Her third is an elk dancing on her left hip. Her fourth is a falcon in its two images, still and in flight, mirrored on two sides of her right arm. Her fifth is on her upper back, a larger piece than she initially wanted, one that took seven hours and left her sobbing and embarrassed by it. It is of an androgynous figure slicing the moon, based on a haiku she found randomly. She has flowers planned for her back, cutting diagonally across from her right shoulder through to her right rib. She has a whole sleeve for her left arm planned. Matching ones on the insides of both her ankles. One about negative space on the side of her left calf. Maybe one down her chest, playing with its contours. This is her image of herself and it wars constantly with images of others, and also with who she doesn't want to be.
Amanda is American.
She has really only lived in America for slightly over three years, but she imagined growing up here. Reality is undoubtedly different from fantasy but she has created a little life for herself here. She is wary of the United States, but also fascinated by its contradictions. She found her first class at college, on the history of the American frontier, to be her most valuable, and excites at reading a tome on American history and the constitution. She doesn't know if she wants to become a legal citizen and lose her Singaporean passport, but one time she told a Singaporean teacher that she was applying to study in America and he replied that he thought she would be a good fit, as though she had already possessed then some form of the American spirit.
Amanda is a daughter.
Amanda is a sister.
Amanda is a friend.
Amanda is a student.
Amanda is a filmmaker.
Amanda is a writer.
Amanda is a moviegoer.
Amanda is a reader.
Amanda is a dancer.
Amanda is sexual.
Amanda is growing.
Amanda is a consumer.
Amanda is a worker.
Amanda is not not-Amanda.