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Bodies

Assemblage

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Anxiety
May 2011
I was depressed through my second and third year of school. I can't remember how it started but I'd dissolved what I considered a toxic friendship at the time, and then it became difficult to do things. My mind was always running, it was out of control. I had insomnia and couldn't sleep nearly every night. It'd be a weird half-sleep I'd fall into where I would just be with my body and not feel any rest. In the mornings I'd go to school where I suddenly couldn't pretend like it was all okay anymore. I'd excuse myself to the bathroom and just sit outside on the floor with nothing to look at. Life was a punishment. I stuffed myself into lockers. The friends I have now, who only saw me in passing during this time, tell me I was a very strange classmate. I'd find different corners of the school to sob in. I can only vaguely remember what I was sobbing so much about. Everything felt empty all the time, like nothing was worth anything. I was too afraid to cut, so I bit and scratched myself. I'd poke my fingers with needles. I wished above all that I didn't exist.