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Femme Disturbance - Live/d Theory

Micha Cárdenas, Author

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Ability / Disability

"Special needs". 

In the doctor's office, 
the endocrinologist tells me
"You probably know more about this than I do"
and writes down my diagnosis
a mental disorder in the DSM.
Earning me a long term supply
of the psychotropic drugs estradiol and spironolactone,
estrogen and testosterone blockers.
These pills and patches are supposed to alleviate my symptoms
of painful longing for another body,
the way my Mom's pills are supposed to alleviate her symptoms
of hearing voices and hallucinating.
I want my pills
even though I hate being married to pharmaceutical corporations
Does she want hers?
Claire tells me that her brother's dosage of Autism medication
is so low as to be almost a placebo.
Does he want his meds?
I'm trying to take fewer hormones now,
even though I have a trans woman doctor
and when I see her she is both knowledgable and flexible,
what a privilege I have to have this access, being in this city and country,
how different from Tijuana, with its pharmacies that Norteños go to to get easy drugs,
or from Bogotá where the danger of passing combines with the danger of disappearing.
I still want to take less pills
and let my body work on its own again,
since I think I'm over surgery, 
I want to share the full pleasure of my cock with my new love,
I try to tell myself they are hormones and not drugs
but are drugs escapable?
Caffeine in the morning,
Dopamine floods the brain as one scans the networks,
Endorphins spill out warmly at orgasm,
so many of of those spills lately.

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