12019-05-24T03:55:18-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698336571plain2019-05-24T03:55:18-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Epistemology of the Closet?
What's revealed in close-up, not just the weave of a textile, but how it renders the body
This page has paths:
1media/Author in Pain Tattoo Blood Psoas.jpgmedia/Author in Pain Tattoo Blood Psoas.jpg2019-05-24T00:56:34-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Closeted IdentitiesVyshali Manivannan1Into the wardrobe.structured_gallery2019-06-05T01:30:49-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
Contents of this path:
12019-05-23T14:37:26-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698White Short-Sleeved Button-Down (Close-Up)4Beloved with a tie, preppy with or without it, mildly toughened by the zipper detail, this shirt rubs the skin but breathes. I've sailed through classes, conference presentations, and interviews in it. It's a standard of professional that also aspires to be me. This remains the only white button-down shirt I've ever consistently worn and loved. The more stubbornly stained it becomes, the more I know the day is coming when I'll have to discard it and cry.media/White_Zipper_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-24T00:51:04-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T14:34:09-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Red Tie (Close-Up)1Westbury, men's red tie, striped with lighter red and blue.media/RedTie_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T14:34:09-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T14:27:52-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Black Shirt Retro Tie (Close-Up)3I perceive myself as fluid, and in some ways that fluidity matches the contingent nature of pain and also runs counter to the stiffness of my fascia. Ties are play and power-play to me, but also, maybe most significantly, a noose I can slowly tighten to a point to aid me triage pain differently.media/Black_RetroTie_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-06-05T02:37:29-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T15:46:10-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Black Long-Sleeved Button-Down with Brass Zippers and Epaulets (Close-Up)2It's a strange space to occupy, a fear of the military but a desire to look militant, as though appearing armed to the (zipper) teeth externally will somehow diminish the intensities I feel inside.media/Black_ZipperPockets_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-06-05T02:35:39-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T19:31:43-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Green Sleeveless Blouse with Bow (Close-Up)1What possessed me to buy a blouse like this--overly feminine, glossy for attention, a bow poised at the throat like gift wrapping--except that it screams normatively professional? The academic workplace is soaked with gendered expectations, and I've always interviewed successfully in this shirt, but when I wore it to a GI appointment I was complimented on how pretty I looked, and my medical concerns went unaddressed.media/Green_Bow_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T19:31:43-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T22:42:19-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Gray Cigarette Pants (Close-Up)1Black accents on gray make this pair of pants sleek. It's form-fitting to the point I avoid bending over and practice sitting, but they've been called "polished," "professional," "expensive," "chic," so I wear them for most formal events--defending, interviewing, presenting--even if I'm in pain, because if I look the part hopefully I'll feel the part too.media/GrayCigarettePants_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T22:42:19-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T14:57:42-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Black Shirt with Ruffled Collar (Close-Up)1Fitted with an invisible side-zipper, this blouse reeks of friction. I hate ruffles. It's a second skin that isn't mine. Paired with a red or maroon blazer, though, I'm told I look good. I wear it at conferences. I look good.media/Black_Ruffles_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T14:57:42-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T16:24:00-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Black Slacks (Close-Up)1I feel normative in these pants. Someone else's vision of what professionalism looks and feels like. It's relatively painless, but I'm averse to this feeling, and therefore averse to the pants.media/BlackSlacks_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T16:24:00-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T22:45:38-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Gray Piped Slacks with Ankle Zippers (Close-Up)1These read like soft denim, from a distance. High-waisted, with pockets scalloped in at the waist. I never wear belts, it's too much pressure near the stomach, but these make a belt look good. Worn with black, they dress up. Worn with T-shirts, they dress down. I've worn them to the doctor's office after teaching with unzipped ankles to enhance the appearance of incapability. Their versatility is useful. So often I find the zippers everyone calls "decorative" to possess incredible performative force.media/GraySlacks_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T22:45:38-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T16:19:14-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Black Skinny Pants with Brass Ankle Zippers (Close-Up)1Lightweight, thin, sometimes scratchy, figure-flattering, evoking a punk or DIY aesthetic, these are the go-to black pants I've worn throughout my doctoral program, as a PTL, as an FT lecturer. It's rare that a single article of clothing can make me look and feel the way I want.media/BlackJBrands_Zipper_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T16:19:14-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T22:39:26-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Gray Blazer (Close-Up)1The button detail is a nice touch. A flourish, at least, on the standard of academic professionalism.media/GrayBlazer_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T22:39:26-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T15:01:50-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Black Snakeskin and Leather Shirt with Silver Zippers (Close-Up)1I defended my proposal in this shirt, with a pair of brass drop-down asymmetrical triangle earrings. It's stiff, it doesn't breathe, and polyester scratches, but I look punk and I feel hard, and it mitigates the insistent ache.media/Black_Snakeskin_Leather_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T15:01:50-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T19:19:00-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Green and Sage Blouse with Black Leather Trim (Close-Up)2What haven't I defended in this shirt? It wears like a t-shirt, looks like a fight, all points and blocks and edges. It's the go-to when I'm suffering. Soft as bedding, an insignia of victory. Without it in my closet, panic.media/Green_Tan_BlackLeather_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T19:21:12-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T14:05:15-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Pink and Black Lace (Close-Up)4Pink silk, black lace, vaguely punk, with my black J Brands, boots, and drape-front blazer, I feel untouchable, and the shirt itself barely touches me. I teach first or last classes in it, attend advising meetings in it, present at conferences in it, anything where I need to feel more confident than pain makes me feel, but not in environments where supervisors might see brown skin and bra strap through the lace trim, and think I'm too sexual for academia.media/Pink_BlackLace_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-24T00:45:11-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T18:29:12-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Pale Blue Blouse with Black Trim and Cutout (Close-Up)2It must be paired with a black blazer to conceal the back cutout in interviews and meetings. Otherwise, it presents as normatively professional, harboring a secret, just like me.media/Blue_BlackTrim_Cutout_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-06-05T03:01:59-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T19:00:34-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Maroon Blazer (Close-Up)1Thick enough to be outerwear in fall, it evokes prep school for boys, and it's the androgyny I like most about it, the sharpness of the gold accents, the academic look of it that covers for me when pain and brain fog put me off my game.media/MaroonBlazer_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T19:00:34-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T18:51:34-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Bright Blue Blouse with Leather Trim (Close-Up)1So lightweight the polyester barely touches the skin. I've worn this many times, but notably, the day I turned 31, also the day I was supposed to be fully recovered from a complicated appendectomy I still suffer from, four years later. I tattooed my ribs that day, with a snail crawling across a straight razor because it too has to endure without dying, and I attended a conference presentation directly after, and this blouse masked it all: saran-wrapped ink and blood, pain around the navel where the gluey clot of stitches was freshly removed. I almost looked human again, and by human I mean stylish, stoic, able to produce.media/Blue_Leather_Closeup.jpgplain2019-05-23T18:51:35-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T19:05:04-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Orange Cowl-Neck Shirt (Close-Up)1One of the softest shirts I own, with a sophisticated drape at the neck to avoid looking too much like loungewear. Like wearing pajamas to work. I'm told the cut and color looks good on me, so I know when I'm in pain I can get away with wearing it.media/Orange_CowlNeck_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T19:05:04-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T20:31:37-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Dark Gray Tank Top with Buttons (Close-Up)1With a blazer and buttoned to the top, it's sharp. Soft enough to feel like skin. I haven't missed that the words I use the most are "sharp" and "soft" when describing clothes, that these are words signifying both gender and mental acuity.media/GrayBlackButtons_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T20:31:37-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T20:10:49-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Gray and Black Striped Long-Sleeved Shirt (Close-Up)2This shirt is slouchy enough that it externalizes how I feel on the days I choose to wear it: infiltrated by rain, inhabited by stones, wooden stocks in place of my tongue. But with a French tuck and a black blazer and black skinny pants, I look smart casual, and if I need to engage in disability masquerade (Siebers, 2004), I untuck, I rumple, I easily look unkempt.media/Gray_BlackStripe_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-06-05T02:49:14-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T19:10:10-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Green Sweatshirt with Black Sleeves and Leather Accents (Close-Up)2It doesn't look like a sweatshirt when it's on, in keeping with the notion that clothes take on life when filled with the body. Warm enough for colder classrooms, with thinner breathable sleeves for ventilation, loose enough to avoid pressing on a tender post-op abdomen. The leather trim gives it the nerve I lack.media/GreenSweatshirt_Black_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T19:11:30-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T17:48:07-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Black T-Shirt with Mesh Trim and Slits (Close-Up)1It's a shirt that lets me breathe, but I know how high the side-slits run, exposing the tattoo on my ribs, or my underwear band if my pants sit too low. The fact of a bra strap peers through the mesh. It's a fact I'm a woman academic. I wear a blue or pink bra.media/BlackTee_Mesh_Slits_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T17:48:07-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T22:21:37-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Faux Suede Leggings (Close-Up)1Suede is luxury. The appearance of elitism while on the inside, everything that got me to this point in my career withers from pain to nil. These are mistaken for skinny pants or the real textile, allowing me to teach, stretch, sleep between classes with my legs encased in pajamas.media/FauxSuedeLeggings_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-23T22:21:37-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698
12019-05-23T17:10:30-07:00Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698Black Sweatpants (Close-Up)3I tucked the drawstring into the waistband and paired it with a loose, long blouse to preserve a semblance of professional dignity. I was back in the classroom, one week after an appendectomy found fusion and sepsis in my abdomen. I was weak. My diaphragm resisted speech. I could neither laugh nor cough, and sneezes I couldn't prevent picked at the stitches, made the room spin. My body was a garment sewn with glue, masked by a professional airy blouse, sweatpants folded below the navel in case of pain, in case of bleeding, in case of emergency.media/BlackSweatpants_CloseUp.jpgplain2019-05-24T02:34:07-07:000,0Vyshali Manivannandc3d5257e938c70914fe0d76a4dca55376a2a698