I am a violinist. Right before quarantine began in Kansas, I sent an email to tell all my students that if (when) we would have to stay at home, I would teach them remotely. I immediately lost 5 students who didn’t want to do that. That resulted in lost income I didn’t recoup until August when more students were interested in lessons. I had a one year full time contract with the Kansas City Symphony, and they were planning auditions in June. I was preparing for the audition, but it was canceled. The orchestra paid us one year members through our contract end June 21, but we were not renewed for the new season that started September 1 as they are hardly working with the current members. They did extend our health benefits through July 31, 2020, something our Union representative bargained for. Normally, I would make many thousands of dollars subbing with the KC Symphony when I’m not on contract. That money isn’t coming in now as they don’t need subs for anything. 

My husband teaches middle school band. The anxiety of how school was going to start was a great strain on us. He is 58; I’m 52 with underlying health conditions. We were grateful the start of school was delayed, but opening last week to hybrid has caused all sorts of anxiety as he gets emails nearly daily about a student being out for a certain number of days, presumably for COVID-19. The students were given bell covers for their instruments, but they play without masks on. And the bell covers never go home to be washed. 

My daughter graduated from college in May and has a 5-hr per week job as a virtual office assistant. She will begin tutoring part time for Johnson County Community College next semester. She will have 18 hours of work per week total. If the pandemic hadn’t hit, she would be working full time with benefits somewhere. My son is supposed to be a sophomore at Emporia State, but we couldn’t reconcile a safe place to live on or near campus, so he is living at home and going to JCCC for classes. He wants to be on his own, but he thinks he will be here another year as the pandemic will never be close to controlled under our current administration in the White House.

I have days I don’t read much news. I never ever watch TV news. My husband likes to watch it, but it makes me sick. The realization in April that the government was turning its back on all of us made me realize this isn’t like the movies where some sort of salvation will come to us, that a treatment will help immediately. Understanding this took months. My rage doesn’t subside for long though.

I’ve had some rough moments, days, the past 8 months. I’ve contemplated suicide very seriously as I don’t see a way out of this. I walk a lot every day, which helps a lot. And since the KC Symphony doesn’t need me, I enrolled in 2 classes in sustainable agriculture at JCCC this semester. The practicum that has us out on the school farm has helped my mental state a lot. Being outside working in the ground is very helpful. I hold a weekly Zoom art session with my artist mom (who turned 80 in September- we couldn’t see her because of the pandemic, but we had lovely plans to take her to NYC for Broadway shows, opera, etc.), my sisters, and 3 friends. We create our own art together or cook or organize things. It’s 2 hours per week I am forced to

forget any number of stressful things. I’ve added a great deal of vegetables to my diet and over the past year lost 8 pounds. I wasn’t overweight, but I am at my ideal weight now and am happy about that.

I have a home office where my students come for lessons and where I practice violin. I have 2 music stands, a keyboard, 3 filing cabinets of music, a computer, iPad, my cell phone, and a printer/scanner. Every day, I pull all the music I will need for my virtual teaching. Normally, my students would come to the house with all the music we would use in their lessons. But now I have to have all of my things organized for teaching. I also have my own notebook with information that includes what each student did each week, what the assignment for the next week is. Normally, I would only write in their assignment notebooks. For comfort, I brought in a microwave my daughter had used in college so I can have tea every day. I also have a space heater as the basement room is sometimes cold.

(About online teaching and learning:)  I have to speak more slowly! I tend to talk fast, so this has been more effort.

I think students did much better than I anticipated them doing on Zoom. They have been more responsive and practice more, but it’s possible they were just bored during lockdown. With school in session, they aren’t learning as fast. I’m grateful for the technology as I would have no income at all without it.

(About web conferencing:)  It’s not better than in person, but it’s working out okay.

I remind them that they can take a break, take a breath, that it is all hard and it’s not going to get easier for now. Finding the right perspective is important - we give so much effort and thought to things that are in the end meaningless.

(About engaging colleagues:) I text a couple of friends once in awhile.

(About new technologies that are helpful:)  None that I am aware of 

Cooking has been very helpful and I enjoy it. I eat healthier and I feel better. I also have spent my life searching for work - reaching out to colleagues to remind them that I could use students or work. That has netted me all sorts of opportunities and still does.

I think we will continue to wear masks for years (at least I plan to even if everyone else gives up). I think I will continue to do the grocery shopping alone - the fewer people in my family exposed to other people, the better. I hope I can see my mom again - she lives in Upstate NY.

I’ll remember how angry I am at the government. Why?? Because they fired the pandemic response team years ago. States were pitted against each other for ventilators and PPE; some states were searching for PPE overseas because the US government wouldn’t do it. I’ll remember the government gave millions in tax breaks to wealthy corporations during the pandemic. And if the person pretending to be president gets his way, the payroll tax will

End, and there will be no more social security.

The government would have safety measures in place to recognize and thwart the beginning of a pandemic, not sit on its hands hoping the stock market won’t notice that people are dying and something bad is happening. I don’t think I’d do anything differently. I stocked up with food and the prescription drugs I needed ahead of lockdown.

Lisa Jackson, Violin and Viola Instructor, Baker University, may be reached at lisa.jackson@bakerU.edu or lisajbrian@yahoo.com.