Too much change to absorb

She was facing a new change again, reintegration back into civilian life, which had left her feeling confused after the short leave in mid-deployment. But first she had to stay at Fort Bragg, travelling there alone. She felt unwelcome, alone at the airport. There was no transport back to base in Fort Bragg. At the base, nobody seemed to know she was supposed to return. “Not one person there said ‘welcome back’ to me,” she says.

Neither was she allowed to stay with the Army until her retirement age, which would be beneficial for a soldier. She felt like a number, used and discarded.

When Sue returned home, she lost sleep. PTSD symptoms started to appear strongly, interfering with her daily life. She thought sleeplessness sprang from not adapting to the time difference since her return. But after several months, it didn’t seem normal anymore. She was haunted by memories of travelling outside the compound looking for an Iraqi contractor, feeling set up and targeted. She could still feel the pressure of indirect attacks. Her dreams unsettled her.

“The dreams were horrible. I had a lot of serious, scary thing that occurred. All my dreams left me in peril, every last one. And I could not cry for help. I can’t yell. I can’t even get it out of my throat. I got four or five hours sleep a night. I was up before anyone else. I felt anger and depression,” Sue describes.

Anger rose from frustration of not being able to adapt, as she explains: “Everybody has crisis in their lives. Some people don’t function, but I always did. Not being able to handle it was not my problem. I could not understand what was going on.” Sue became fearful, not wanting to go for challenges she had enjoyed before. She wouldn’t step on a plane, assessing it as unsafe. She avoids drawing money at ATMs or carrying cash. “When I do, I have to mentally prepare myself. Luckily I have a husband and daughter to help me.”

For Sue, the changes were too much to absorb. Leaving for deployment was a big change, but returning shook her more. Sue’s supportive family has stood by her for the three years she has been learning to integrate back to civilian life. Sue acknowledges the strain on her family. “They felt I had changed a lot. I probably wasn’t as patient as I could have been. But a lot of change has happened. Change is great for the most part, but too much is probably not great.” 

Sue returned to her civilian job within months from return. She embraced the complex reports only to find she couldn’t concentrate and had to take medical leave. 

“Only when I went to the veterans’ resource fair, the hospital staff there wanted to evaluate me,” she says. “I scored quite high on PTSD and they finally referred me to mental health.”