Flashbacks of Iraq on the road

Returning to civilian life after a year in Afghanistan proved to be a culture shock. Raquel noticed that her mind was not making the leap from the strictly disciplined mindset of a combatant to civilian life with its lack of restrictions and military routine.

“I knew what the normal was over there, in Afghanistan. I knew what to look for. But for some reason those things I was looking for that were normal over there became abnormal over here,” Raquel says. 

She can't remember details of her memories straight away. Post-traumatic stress disorder can make articulating memories slower, and she talks straight, without beautifying what PTSD has done for her. She didn't notice it at first when she returned home, but she was showing symptoms of PTSD: anxiety, anger, isolation and flashbacks. At one point, she started speeding on a freeway, when she saw a black trash bag and a man by the roadside. Her soldier’s reflex, honed in Afghanistan, told her the man might throw an explosive device. Raquel's heart was pounding and she sped away at more than a hundred miles per hour, only to be chased by the police.

Sisters, aunts, friends and army officers told Raquel that she is no longer what she used to be. She found that hard to believe. But she knows now, she was showing all the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, a condition that has become an epidemic among thousands of war veterans.  

She was playing games with herself to see how much alcohol she could drink. At the same time, she was feeling lonely, far removed from her closest family, although they were physically present.

Raquel continued to battle through civilian life. She could not hold down a job. She left a job at a grocery store in rage. Inability to focus because of PTSD made it hard to follow the timetable in the second one. She ended up homeless and sleeping in her car, when her friends' hospitality ran out.

Finally, when she was admitted into the Department of Veterans’ Affairs (VA) hospital, she reluctantly got into therapy. She was a warrior, and it was hard to admit she needed help. She escaped the hospital after one and a half days, distrusting the staff’s ability to help her. “They said I have the symptoms of PTSD, but I thought they just put another psychological label on it,” she says. 

Raquel has juggled with her PTSD symptoms for three years since leaving the military. “I know there are resources out there, but I don't know how or where or who to ask. I guess my whole character is that I don't ask for help. If somebody comes along the way, that's cool. Because I can manage on my own somehow.” 

Raquel found comfort at the Vet Center in Orange County. Vet Centers are part of the U.S. Department of Veterans’ Affairs. The centers are community-based, confidential facilities that help veterans readjust to civilian life. Talking to other veterans there helped Raquel. At the time of our interview, Raquel was living in a center for homeless veterans run by the non-profit organization U.S. Vets in Long Beach, California.