Feeling numb

Her relationship with her husband proved difficult due to changes that felt overwhelming. It was hard to fit into the plans that were made during her absence. At work, she lacked the empathy she needed in social work. Also, after living in a danger zone, the job at home felt boring. She felt that people’s worries at home were mostly very petty. She didn't realize she was showing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

“I felt I had made a difference with soldiers in Iraq. Some people were very motivated to grow in that setting. I was a little short with people, when I came back.” 

Gwen laughs now at the memory of telling a coworker to 'get over it', when he wanted changes in the process. “Not a very social worker response,” she quips. But for most of the time, she just felt numb. 

“I think you get addicted to the high tempo, the pace, danger and urgency. When I came back, everything felt numb. I didn’t feel the same urgency and importance, when people are dying and they need you here. I couldn’t feel anything. I still have some numbness. I am not enjoying anything as I used to.”

“My husband came home one night and I told I had heard small arms fire. He asked, if I phoned police and I said ‘no’. It was only small arms fire, not a mortar.”  

Family and friends realized from her signs that she needs help. It went on for a year. She had to medicate herself in order to sleep. “I tended to drink too much. I wasn’t drunk, but had two drinks a night to help me sleep. I tried not to feel anything. That was strange, because I used to cry easily. And I never cried, when I came back.”

Gwen’s doctor prescribed antidepressant medication. She now receives therapy from a VA psychologist, learning to come to terms with herself. “I feel guilty about needing help. All these other people were out in combat. They were directly shot at. Here I was indoors and traumatized.”

After being removed from regular life for a year, getting addicted to the frantic pace of life in a war zone takes its toll, making it difficult for returning soldiers to pick up old routines.  

During the first therapy sessions, Gwen vented her anger towards the military about the excesses of bullying and harassing and maltreatment she observed. “I was angry at the Army and my unit. I never wanted to see them again. Yet I missed the work. “

Gwen believes that the strict criteria of PTSD will be changed in the future. She argued against her own doctor, who told her she had PTSD. “I said I have an adjustment disorder with depression anxiety. I know, there are moves to change the definition. Most of the combat guys I gave the PTSD diagnosis in Iraq, didn’t have any fear of the moment. Yet, one of the definitions of PTSD is feeling really terrified. With their training they never feel frightened in the moment, but afterwards. They were still traumatized.”